I want to win the lottery, but that requires me to buy a ticket...

The few of you who read my blog are probably sick and tired of hearing me bitch about random shit in my life.  Well, for that I'm sorry, but it is my blog and I choose to discuss what I want.  School, for teachers, starts in one week and one day.  I want to vomit.  I am literally having panic attacks about it daily.  Granted they aren't the kind I had when I first found out I had issues with depression/anxiety, but I have this dreading feeling almost all day long.  I really really wish it would go away, but it hasn't.

I've been thinking more and more about my family and friends in NJ.  All of my real friends (save for an amount I can count on one hand) are back home.  My family is all back home.  Behavior and attitudes I consider normal are back home.  The only thing missing from the equation?  Me.  The Husband and I have chatted about moving there, but the reality is that move probably won't happen for at least another year.  Bottom line, because the market is shitty for sellers right now, we aren't about to put our house on the market and lose money.  What would be the point?  We're going to go about it in a smart way.  I'm really hoping the market begins to turn in the next year or two because the caged beast I have dwelling inside me stemming from my Italian/North Jersey roots is just waiting for an opportunity to rough a bitch up.  Now, case and point for a second....my people (aka northerners, specifically the greater tri-state area) would know that my previous statement would not mean that I would literally get into a street fight with someone, but rather I'd go crazy.  Those who are not my people would think I'd need to be physically restrained. 

As far as my weight loss....I haven't seen my trainer in a couple of weeks.  She and I are both teachers and she also coaches as well so our schedules haven't aligned in a while.  I need to get in touch with her and make a regular time to meet or else I will be totally derailed.  While I'm not pigging out on anything at the moment, I'm also not eating very healthy either.  I need to just buckle down and try better.  I need to keep my eyes on the prize.

Really?

Couple things I need to vent about and get off my chest....

First off, I am ridiculously depressed that the school year is right around the corner.  Honestly, students haven't a clue how much teachers dread the start of school.  This year for me it's different and I honestly didn't expect it to be.  I thought last year would have been harder: I had been off of school on maternity leave since April, I had a brand new baby...But this year is WAY harder.  I am actually having anxiety about it.  I'm thinking I need a break from teaching - just for a little bit.  Since I've already signed my contract for this upcoming school year, I'm obviously going to see that through, but I'm seriously going to try to find something online where I can work from home.

Next thing on my vent list is this: why is it people think they have the right to ask the question "so when are you going have kids/another kid?"  Is it their business? NO!  Honestly, for me, I don't want anymore.  I had a rough time of it pregnant, had to go on bed rest the last month due to hypertension, was scheduled to be induced, which resulted in a c-section, and that's just the short version.  Am I happy to have my beautiful daughter? Absolutely!  But knowing that the likelihood of a repeat pregnancy and delivery is high, it's not worth it to put my body at risk just to have another child.  Raising a child is hard and I cannot imagine doing it with two!  I give my friends with multiple children much props because I don't know how they do it.  Some people would say my desire to only have one for the reasons I've listed is selfish.  On the contrary, I think it's responsible and unselfish.  I understand the hard work that goes into raising a child and the pressures it can put on a marriage.  Having a child just to have another one, or because you think that's what you're supposed to do, rather than having another child because you want to raise another human being is selfish.  I just wish people would mind their business and quit discussing the current or future status of my uterus!

Finally, because there is much damage than can be done by putting ideas and opinions out on the internet, I choose to be vague here.  If someone has a problem with something I've said or done, then he/she needs to confront me to my face.  I think it's a pretty chicken shit move to talk about me behind my back about something that was a vent that happened MONTHS ago.  More and more lately, I have been having signs loud and clear that I need to have a major change happen in my life.  I will continue to pray about what that change should be and how I should go about implementing it.

Staying cool in Africa heat

One of the good things about my husband's job is that he can usually get us into some cool places for free.  We've seen both of the local minor league baseball teams play several times this season.  Today, we are going to a local water park and I am paranoid we are going to come back with a fungus.

Now, I don't trust The Husbadn not to pee in a pool instead of going to the bathroom, so why should I trust hundreds of strangers?  I am a germ-a-phobe and I just think those places breed disease.  I'm sure I'm making a mountain out of a mole hill since if that was the case, the health department would shut them down.....right?  Right???

The reason I'm saying we'll go is because it is friggin' HOT out!  And not the kind of hot where in the shade is ok....I'm talking this must be the temperature of Hell.  In fact, Hell might be a little cooler, I'm not sure.  Hence why I said ok to the water park and my husband called in a favor and got us free tickets.  Hopefully, this should at least cool us off a little.

Um....yeah....so....

Haven't blogged in a while - sorry.  I told you I was non-committal!  Speaking of...I did soooo good tracking my WW points until I took my cheerleaders to cheer camp last weekend.  I have to, once again, get back on the wagon.  I was doing really well though for a while.

So what's currently on my mind....the desire to stay at home and possible rethink teaching.  I have been a teacher since 2001 and when I started, I had a real passion, a fire if you will, for it.  I would stay late, come in early, and *gasp* bring work home....on the weekend!  And I'd do it!!!!  Holy shit!  I haven't done any of those things in how long....hmmm.....  What people who have never taught full time don't realize is that the job really and truly burns you out.  You can't go in to work and "lay low" because you don't feel good, or you're hungover, or it's Monday.  You have to be "on" 24/7 at your job when you're a teacher.  Even when you give "busy work" with worksheet at their desks, you still are policing behavior and answering questions, and making sure they are doing their work.  And with the oh so wonderful No Child Left Behind, teachers have to make sure they are teaching to competency tests and answering to all sorts of extra demands that extend beyond the classroom.  I'm now understanding why, during the prarie days, there were school marms - women who were old maids with no children - teaching school.  It's so they could eat, sleep, and breathe teaching!  It's a hard job.  Summer break is just about the only thing that keeps teachers in the game. 

Since having CSC, I've really had a struggle about what I should be doing now that I'm a mother.  Realistically, I don't have the option to stay at home.  We rely on both mine and my husband's income to pay our bills.  And we don't have over-the-top things.  We don't go out to eat all the time, we don't have fancy cars, we don't have anything we don't get our money's worth out of, so it's not a matter of making little sacrifices - it's just not financially possible for me to stay home.  Which brings me to what is really on my mind.  This time next month, I will be back at school for teacher workdays and the kids start on the 25th.  That thought has been giving me some anxiety.  I am not looking forward to going back at all.  And this is surprising to me since I would have thought last year would have been tougher with being on maternity leave since April and having a brand new baby.  I was looking forward to it in a way then.  I don't know what it is this time.  Could be CSC is more interactive, could be because I (very surprisingly) have an overwhelming desire to become the 21st century Donna Reed, could be that I'm not overly thrilled at what appears to be my class schedule for this year, could be because I'm really feeling burnt out being a teacher.  Who knows.  But one thing is for sure - I need to figure out what the fuck is going on so I can start to deal with it.

After a much needed chit chat with The Husband last night, he is open to exploring careers that would provide enough income for us to live comfortably in a one-income household.  This change is obviously not going to happen overnight - I did sign my contract for the upcoming school year and I'm not one to back out on an agreement - but hopefully by the end of the 2010-2011 school year, I will be able to stay home and take care of my family in that way.  I would still "keep my feet wet" and try to find an online teaching position.  Those are fast growing and if they are going to offer virtual classes, someone has to teach them, right?  That would give me the best of both worlds and give me a chance to see if I want to continue teaching.  Ideally, I would love to find something (education related or otherwise) that would allow me to work from home at least 90% of the time.  I would have no problem with reporting to an office on occasion, but having my work responsibilities take place anywhere I can access my phone and an internet connection.  We shall see.....keep your fingers crossed for me!

Gettin' Skinny is a habit...get like me

It's been a few days since I've blogged so I figure I'd better get at it before more time passes.  That's the thing that I've noticed about committing to things - making them a habit is a hell of a lot harder than doing them once they are habit.  Take for example exercising.  When I was at my skinniest, I worked out at the gym once a week.  Granted that wasn't that often, but come on!  I was 23!  Regardless of what I was doing, when it was time for that body sculpting class, you bet your ass I was there.  Same thing with WW - once I get into the habit of journaling what I eat, it becomes second nature.  Good news is, I'm back on track with writing what I eat down.  I started this week like an alcoholic - one moment at a time.  To be technical, that's what WW is: AA for fat people.  So I said to myself: "Self, today you are going to write down everything you eat or drink in your WW journal."  But I responded back: "But self, that's such a pain in the ass and I really really need to get on Facebook."  So, after I acknowledged my schizophrenia, I figured I'd take it down even further and just go by one meal at a time.  So far, so good.  I have been writing down everything I've eaten in the past 4 days.  It's not hard either, I have a WW online subscription, and the app on my phone, so it really is ridiculously easy.  I'm actually looking forward to stepping on the scale at the end of the week to see what my weight loss is.

In other more fabulous news!  My beautiful, wonderful, genius daughter did TWO amazing things in the span of 48 hours.  First, at her gym class yesterday the skill of the week involved the kids hanging from a horizontal bar and working towards swinging from said bar sans parent aid.  Well, this one little girl (who I might add looked like she should have been in the next age group up like 4 months ago) was totally bogarting the one side of the bar while the rest of us were standing in line waiting our turn.  She was hanging and swinging and looking like she was about to perform a friggin' routine.  Well, the last time we were at the class, CSC didn't really even grip the bar, let alone hang from it.  Well, my competitive nature flared up and I whispered to CSC: "That girl is going to be competing with you to be on the 2024 Olympic gymnastics team.  What are you going to do about it?"  Well, I shit you not, my child not only hung on to the bar, but did it BY HERSELF, and attempted to swing slightly.  This after her improved balance beam skills and her ever popular forward rolls.  I think I also saw CSC flip the other little girl off, but I'm not positive. ;) 

Another, even more exciting fact is that she actually took some unassisted steps tonight!  I have been panicked slightly about when she'll walk.  She walks really well when holding on to someone's hand, but will not walk on  her own.  Well, The Husband and I have been practicing with her and tonight she did it!  I'm guessing by the end of the month, she'll be cruising around and I'll be wishing she was back to crawling, but at least I'll know my child is not a freak.

I should be in bed, but...

Unfortunately, I suffer from insomnia.  Not the kind that keeps you up all night per say, but the annoying kind that doesn't allow you to fall asleep easily.  So what do I do?  I blog.  What do you do?  You read my blog and recommend reading it to all who have internet access. ;)

Tomorrow morning is my daughter's Little Gym class - which she LOVES - at 10am.  I really love taking her and seeing her interact with the other kids and doing the activities.  She's thisclose to walking on her own, so I'm hoping by the end of the summer she'll be cruising around.

                                                                                          My daughter and my dad

On the news front for my husband, he heard back from the guy at his one job and what the salary range was and what the job entailed SO did not match!  They wanted to pay him peanuts for a job that should be earning at least double what he makes now.  Oh well....back to my master plan: Operation Move Back to Jersey ;)

I made the Skinny Italian recipe Chicken Breast with Lemony Thyme Marinade and it came out good.  I also made the Sexy Italian Dressing for my salad - also good.  For the chicken recipe, I had to use the broiler setting on my oven.  Now, I've heard of a broiler and I know my mother has used one before, but I hadn't a fucking clue what the hell a broiler was or what it did.  Now, I'm no Paula Dean (how she can cook with sticks of butter and not drop dead of a clogged artery is beyond me) but I can get around a kitchen pretty well.  I needed Broiler 101 so I called my mom.  Despite this call, I still am not 100% sure I know what exactly a broiler is, but the chicken turned out good, so all is well.  Now, if I can only get my daughter to quit throwing her green beans on the floor......

Getting (back) into the groove

So the one thing I despise more than packing is unpacking and that is what I finally did today after returning yesterday from our vacation.  I have been a really bad procrastinator pretty much my whole life - hello!  check out anything I've written regarding my weight loss and you can stop being shocked.  I'm not sure what it is.  I keep waiting for there to be an interview on the Today Show with Dr. Nancy Snyderman saying that procrasitnation is a disease that can be treated with large amounts of chocolate medication.  Until that day comes, I just need to learn how to manage myself.  Hell, writing this blog is procrastinating....but it is quite fun. :)

One of the things that depresses me about returning from vacations is getting back into the reality you left behind.  The day-to-day chores and responsibilities you were able to ignore now come screeching back to you and can be avoided no longer.  One of those things was reading my emails from my work account.  Now, I'm a teacher, but I'm also the cheer coach and you can just imagine what kinds of drama can occur in a 24hr period of time working with so many teenage girls and their parents.  Reading and responding to those emails took up a good chunk of my morning.

Another thing that gets me to reach for the tissues, sad that I'm back home, is stepping on the scale to see exactly how much vacation weight I accumulated.  I have yet to do that, but I can say that I stepped on the scale a few times at my mom's (who by the way is a WW junkie and lifetime member and is awesome about making low cal/low fat meals when I'm there) and saw that I lost about 3lbs in a week - YEA!  But I'm still slightly heavier than the last time I actually logged my weight on WW.com - BOO!

I did try a recipe from Skinny Italian last night: Pasta Cacio E Pepe.  It was very simple needing only 1lb of spaghetti, 2 cups of fresh ground pecorino romano cheese, salt, and pepper.  The key, however, is to make sure you save about 1 cup of pasta water to add back to the spaghetti to help the cheese make a sauce.  I remembered this step right as I watched the last drop of water leave the pot. FUUUUUUUCK!  I added some regular water and the dish still turned out ok*, but leave it to me to screw this up.  It was tasty though and I appreciated the "lightness" of the dish.  Tonight I think I'll try Chicken Breasts with Lemony Thyme Marinade.  We'll see how that experiment goes!

*FYI - the reason you want to add pasta water rather than more water from the tap is because the starches from the pasta, and the flavoring from salting the water, help out more so than regular plain water.

Home?

Ok, so we arrived home last night/this morning from our long ass drive from Delaware.  As is the norm, I hold it together saying goodbye until I get to my mom and then I have to hold back the floodgates of tears.  I really really really really really miss my family and Jersey.  A friend of mine (who I had a playdate with during my stay at home) facebook messaged me saying what an awesome time she had with me and my daughter and how she wishes I still lived at home because we'd playdate every week. 

*Add me crying here*

Ugh!  This is sooooo frustrating!  I wish moving back home was as simple as getting a new job and hiring movers, but it's not.  Instead I have to suck it up here.  Don't get me wrong, I don't live in a hell hole or anything; this area just isn't my cup of tea.  My husband deals with it, but he's so friggin' laid back that he'd find some way of dealing with living in a box.  He wouldn't like it, but he's a much better person than I am when it comes to things like accepting your current position.  As I've stated in earlier blogs, I am not, never have been, never will be a Southern girl.  I bleed Yankee blood proudly.  I say "cawfee" and I'm proud of it.  Now please don't misunderstand, I don't hate the South.  I think it's a nice place, but I'm done living here.  It's not my home.  Roots have not been planted.

So the lastest issue I'm wrangling with (aside from my constant avoidance of WW) is my husband's potential new job.  He works in radio and has for the past 10+ years.  Being on the radio is something he LOVES.  Daily, he regrets moving us from Wilmington since he had a choice radio gig there on the local ESPN station doing a local sports talk show.  I've always supported his desire to be a sports talk guy, despite the next-to-nothing pay it makes. (While money is nice, it's not always what makes people happy day to day)  In addition to working for a news talk station (no longer does sports since our move inland), he also works for a sports broadcasting company that produces college games.  He's done some on-air work for them with pre-, halftime, and post-game shows.  Recently, his boss there has presented my husband with a full-time opportunity as entry-level management.  The job would include having 8 people report to my husband, extensive off-season travel, and a great deal of responsibility - more so than he's EVER had before.  Now, my husband has had little, if any, experiencing negotiating his salary.  He just is happy to be able to be paid to do what he does.  Well, on April 24th of last year, our lives changed with our beautiful baby girl and we're looking at a whole new ball game.  My husband is afraid to ask for a salary that would (granted in my opinion, but still) reflect how much time and effort is being put into this job.  He's afraid that they will laugh at his suggestion.  I say no....negotiations start high and work from there.  I keep telling him: what's the worst that could happen?  They say that wasn't the figure they had in mind and you find a common ground in the middle?  Ok...what's wrong with that?  We shall see....

So while I was home, I went to a book signing by RHONJ Teresa Giudice for her cookbook Skinny Italian.  Needless to say, I almost shit my pants when I got to meet her.  Here I am waiting in line wracking my brain as to what I could say or ask her and what comes out of my mouth when it's my turn:

"I'm so friggin' excited to meet you!"

And that's it.

I'm sure Teresa was like "Um...ok freak" when she took my book to sign, but if I'd have attempted to say anything else, I would have cried.  I was really star struck seeing her there.  Here is this real person I watch RELIGIOUSLY every week.  Not an actor playing a role, but a real person who's life I get to watch.  I felt like she was my bff.  I doubt she even remembered my name 2 seconds after signing my book.  Oh well....

Since Teresa's cookbook talks all about healthy ways to cook food (her zuchini salad was AWESOME and I hate zuchini!) I'm going to try out all her recipes to see if I turn into a skinny Italian. :)

Summer, Family Vacations, and In-Laws

One of the best things about being a teacher is having the summer off. Anyone who is or has been a teacher understands that summers off is a necessity of this occupation. It's a release from having to deal with all the "wonderful" kids and even more "wonderful" parents all school year. It also gives me a taste of what it's like to be a stay-at-home mom. I love love love my daughter to death and really wanted to do something just me and her this summer. So I signed her (us) up for this really great class at the local The Little Gym. Since my child has been a tumbler since her time in utero, I thought this class would be perfect for her. And it is...she LOVES it! She gets to practice walking (NO she's not walking yet at 14 months and if another person asks me and then gives me an "I'm sorry" face after hearing my response, I'm going to get violent), tumble, and spend time with kids her age. It's a great class for her.

Another joy of summer I have is reading. As a high school English teacher, I don't get to read for pleasure during the school year, so summer allows me some downtime to check out some great books. Currently, I am reading Not Ready for Mom Jeans by Maureen Lipinksi. Totally relate to this book! The main character talks about how hard it is to balance work and family while listening to the opinions of others about both. Highly recommend to all moms who work! Makes you and your feelings seem normal. I have to credit the main character with giving my newly found desire to blog - since she runs a blog in the novel.

Talking about leisure activities during summer naturally brings me to family vacations. I like to travel....scratch that....LOVE to travel. I sometimes regret not taking a position right out of college as a chapter consultant for my sorority - it required living out of a suitcase for the better portion of the academic year. Oh well....be that as it may, I enjoy being in other places. The only shitty part about traveling is that it involves packing. The only thing I hate worse than packing is unpacking. Two small prices to pay for the joy of traveling. I can deal. The first vacation we took was back to our old home in Wilmington, NC for a combo anniversary/Father's Day long weekend. We stayed at the Jameson Inn - for their free and awesome continental breakfasts. Since the first night we were there was our anniversary, my husband and I had our daughter, CSC, stay with our friends. The wife happens to be CSC's Godmother and also has a 2yr old little girl herself. The wife does everything just about the same way I do when it comes to raising our daughters, so I felt as comfortable as I could leaving my child with another person who was neither myself nor my husband. Now, on a side note, I don't give a rat's ass what other people have to say about when is the appropriate time to leave your child overnight with anyone. If you are a mother, you understand that no time is a good time. Having a child is really like having a piece of your heart walking around outside your body. (I can't take credit for that saying since someone else said it first, but I have no effing clue who they are) So The Husband and I went to the fondue restaurant and had a couple of drinks in Downtown Wilmington. Did I have a good time? Yes. Did I wish I was going home to my daughter? Abso-fucking-lutely. I didn't sleep one wink that night and was ready to go retrieve CSC by 6am. Needless to say, having her staying away someplace for a night won't be happening anytime soon. Just an FYI, our friends lived, oh 10 minutes (with traffic and lights) from the hotel, but it was still too far from me for my taste. 

Now we are at my parents' "beach house" in Delaware. I say beach house loosely since the house is friggin' huge and could easily shelter 2 of our house back in NC. We have come to embrace what has become the annual 4th of July trek to the Delaware Mansion.

The next vacation we plan on taking is to Nashville for my husband's family reunion. For which we will drive, with my MIL, to said destination. That should provide good blog-worthy "fun."

Happy Mother's Day to me!

So I know my main intention with this blog was to primarily write about my weight loss journey, but hell...it's my blog and I can write what I damn well please! Yesterday was my second Mother's Day and my husband did a bang up job. We went to this fabulous restaurant called Flemings. AWESOME food!!! As if that wasn't good enough, he surprised me by upgrading my Blackberry to a Storm 2!!! Very exciting! I had been bitching that my phone was a POS for some time because the touch screen was giving out. Now I don't have to worry. :)

In other news, I watch, religiously I might add, The Real Housewives of New Jersey. I watch because I enjoy seeing places I grew up near. The downfall of this is that I usually get homesick when I watch it. I grew up in a big Italian family and all the housewives remind me of what I left home in order to "find myself". Well, I'm found and now I want to be closer to my family again. It really hit home last year when I had my daughter how important extended family is. I want my child to grow up knowing what it means to be Italian and to keep the traditions that make our family special. At least I'm not going through post-partum like I was last year when I was watching the show. I would cry after every episode....like bawling crying...because I missed my family so much. I am SO not a Southern girl AT ALL!!! I am a Yankee, Jersey girl through and through. NC gave me all that it could - independence, a career in teaching, a paid for education, a wonderful husband, my first home - but now it has nothing more to offer. The taxes are ridiculous, public education sucks, unless I find a relocated Yankee it's hard for me to find people I have things in commmon with, it's far from my family....I could go on and on, but I won't. The point is I am D-O-N-E done with NC! And watching RHONJ reminds me what I am missing at home. People who aren't from the North assume that everyone up there is an asshole or a bitch, but we're not. We are just assertive and we don't take any shit. We aren't passive-aggressive or two faced.

Another piece that's been on my mind is the desire to be a stay-at-home mom. I NEVER thought I'd ever say that. I'm SO not a June Cleaver, but the thought of being able to be with my daughter all day makes me happy. Unfortunately, the harsh reality is the fact that I make more money than my husband and if I were to quit my job, we'd be screwed. I'm not talking about going from filet mignon to spaghetti and peanut butter, I'm talking missing payments on our car, or not being able to afford our electric bill. We are not wealthy by any means - HELLO! I am a teacher and my husband works in radio. We are no millionaires. It just sucks that I don't even have the option of not working. I'm not interested in going in to a huge financial debt, because I'd be worried the whole time thinking that wasn't necessary instead of enjoying the time with my daughter. I'm not a religious freak by any means, just a good Italian Catholic, but I will be praying a lot for God to give me some kind of guidance as to what my next step should be with my family. The bottom line is I'm not happy here and I feel as though something is missing.

Ah...bathing suit season approaches

Oooh goodie goodie! Bathing suit shopping soon will be here. Let me pull out a gun and shoot myself. Even at my thinnest (125lbs size 6) I dreaded shopping for bathing suits. It never fails that no matter how cute the suit, or how flattering it's supposed to be for your body shape, you look terrible in the fitting room.

Last year I rocked the one piece since I'd had my daughter a few months ago and had no business being in anything less than a mu-mu. This year, I'd like to get a tankini, but the trick is finding the right one and being willing to pay for it. You ever notice how either the suit is awesome, but costs the same as a small beach house, or looks terrible, but won't break the bank? Should I go out and splurge this year knowing that next year I'll have to get another suit anyways because this year's will be too big (as my weight loss continues....) or should I be practical?

On the diet front, I have no idea why I'm finding it so hard to "bite and write" in my WW journal. Another bad habit I've gotten into is having coffee for breakfast, skipping lunch, and eating whatever at dinner. This is not my new "anorexia diet" by any means, it's just been happening. To be honest, I have been avoiding getting on the scale as well. I need to just start facing facts and planning out my meals and exercise (outside of training with Tara) better. I really am tired of having my body be less than what I know it can be.

So....my ass doesn't jiggle anymore

Not much going on with me. On a positive note, I had to get something out of the living room this morning in the middle of getting dressed and I noticed that my ass no longer jiggles when I walk. I have my trainer to thank for that. :)

Yeah, so....

So I've been MIA from ths blog because of National Boards and then I was just flat out lazy for a couple weeks. Now I'm back...break out the bubbly. :)

First and foremost, I put on a pair of walking shorts (I don't ever wear shorts shorter than knee length because they always ride up and it looks like my crotch is eating the fabric) that I hadn't worn since the summer I got pregnant. Needless to say I was THRILLED they fit. And I'm not talking they buttoned but I rocked muffin top, they legit fit. Hooray!

I have "fallen off the wagon" so to speak with tracking my food and completely watching what I eat. I'm friggin' lazy, that's all there is to it. If I actually stuck to WW points and did what I was supposed to, I'd have totally lost more than the 20lbs I have so far. I don't know what it is because by the time I've snacked on whatever because I'm hungry but don't feel like making a meal, I could have made something much healthier. The good news is I still faithfully go to my trainer once a week for my ritualistic ass-kicking.

I can't help but be frustrated about how shot to shit my body is even a year after having my daughter - yes, I said a year....I can NOT believe it's already been a year....well, actually a year on the 24th. I keep wanting to blame the c-section. But then I see skinny bitches like Kelly Ripa aka Miss I had a c-section with all 3 of my kids. Yeah yeah yeah, she has a trainer for more than just one hour a week and she had a nutritionist and a personal chef and makes a living looking good, but it still pisses me off.

Let's talk real life. The neighbor who watches my daughter a couple hours a day between the time I leave for work and my husband gets home has an AMAZING body and her son will be 2 in June. Now her body was amazing at his 1st birthday last year! She didn't have a c-section. Granted, I didn't really know her prior to her getting pregnant and having a baby, so I can assume she was probably thin to begin with - which always helps.

Bottom line, I HATE how my body looks after having a baby. I know it's going to take some time to get it to something I'm semi-happy with, but looking in the mirror depresses me and my husband telling me I look sexy makes me vomit. And people are already asking me when I'm having a 2nd....HA Try NEVER!

C-sections suck ass

I'm really frustrated about how my belly has become so flabby. I also get frustrated when Tara, my trainer, has me do ab work that I "should really feel a burn" and I get nothing. I blame my c-section. I was basically gutted like a fish and in the process, had all my stomach muscles and nerves cut. (It still freaks me out that I have little to no feeling in some area of my lower abdomen)

Now I'm not saying I want to pose for Playboy or anything, but I also don't feel like my body should be shot to shit at such a young age either. I'm only 32 for pete's sake!

At this point, other than being a slave for 3 more weeks to National Boards, my schedule is pretty free. Tara gave me passes to use for free at the gym for classes, so I really need to start with adding one class a week to my life. There are some really fun ones - Zumba, Hip Hop, etc. - that look like they'd be awesome cardio without feeling like cardio. I know all I need to do is make it a habit....it's getting to that point that is the tough part.

Do I really look THAT fat?!?

Ok, so I'm a teacher and I'm working on National Boards, which is an ass kicking in and of itself. Two of the portfolio components require me to video me teaching and edit it down to 15 minute segments. So, I did that today, and I think I want to cut myself now.

WTF! How the hell did I not know I looked that fat?!!! Do I not have caring friends who would pull me aside and say, "Aimee, I love you and all, but DAMN girl! You could serve a small family dinner on your ass! Oh, and PS, you still look pregnant."

I should have known my day would end up like this when I was watching Regis and Kelly this morning talking to Heidi Klum, who reportedly DID NOT EXERCISE OR DO ANYTHING SPECIAL TO LOSE HER BABY WEIGHT. You know what I have to say to this Light and Fit slurping supermodel? Fuck you bitch. And your sexy British singer husband and your beautiful babies. Fuck you and your Victoria Secret body you rocked on the runway TWO MONTHS after having a baby.

Right now, I am just going through a very stressful time that will pass. This National Boards portfolio is really throwing me and I'm worried about making sure I get it right. In the process, the last thing I want to do is exercise in any capacity. I really need to make myself a promise to start taking care of myself.

Blogging virgin....handle with care

Ok, so I've never blogged before, but I've always felt like I've had a lot of shit to say. Whether or not anyone wanted to hear it is irrelevant. I figure I'll give it a shot....

So after I got the green light from my doctor to start exercising after my c-section, I went out and found myself a personal trainer for several reasons:

a)It was my own personal "push present" for having a baby....little did I know pushing was not in the cards for me.

b)I needed to be accountable for actually going to the gym - I'm a chronic gym member...I get a membership and never use it.

c) Why torture myself when I can pay someone to do it for me?

So I found Tara, who immediately started kicking my ass and getting me to do things I never thought I could (or should) do. Having a personal trainer, albiet once a week, makes me feel like a pseudo-celebrity - without all the money and super fabulous body of course. I also went back to Weight Watchers and did pretty well - losing 15lbs fairly quickly and easily. Go me!

And then the shit hit the fan....I fell off the wagon, so to speak, and started eating whatever and whenever I wanted. I was still training with Tara, but since I wasn't following the WW program, I started gaining a little bit of the weight back. I didn't really think it was that big of a deal since my clothes were still fitting. I told myself that the scale wasn't registering me losing weight because I was building muscle. (Lie #1) My husband bought me the Jenny McCarthy Wii exercise game for Christmas, and I was going to do it every day. (Lie #2) And let's be honest, I didn't look that fat in my clothes. (Lie #3)

At one point I was a size 6, weighing 125lbs. I know I can get back there. Just because I happened to be in my mid-20s at the time of this fab body doesn't mean that I can't get back to that....does it? I see these other people who are my age and who have had babies, some of whom via c-section like myself, and they look great. I KNOW I can do it. I'm too young to call it quits on my body and settle for a dumpy shape and a lifetime of ugly one-piece bathing suits.

I know the older I get the harder it's going to be for me to lose weight - oh joy. I keep hearing that "the 30s are the new 20s" and even though I'm now a mom to a beautiful little girl, I don't want to let myself go. It's not fair to me, and it's not fair to my daughter (I know I should probably mention it being not fair to my husband either, but I'm going to be a little selfish right now) to let my body get to Stay Puff Marshmallow Man proportions. I want to be a MILF damnit and a MILF I will be.

When I started seeing my trainer, Tara, I started a journal I entitled "Project:MILF", which is what I wanted to call this blog, but apparently there are other bitches out there who snagged the title for their blogs first - whores! J/K! I still will consider this blog a step in Project:MILF and I will think of those other moms as sisters-in-crime.