The Weaker Sex?

It's been a few days and I'm still coming down off my NKOTBSB high.  That really was a great concert and a much needed girls' night.  Attending that show got me thinking about how different men and women are when it comes to obsessing and sexually fantasizing over celebrities.  It all became clear after re-watching the video for "I  Want it That Way" by The Backstreet Boys.  The women in that video - much like the ones at the show - were absolutely rabid for these guys - no lie, I think I saw one chick foaming at the mouth.  There were girls screaming and crying and, quite literally, throwing themselves at them.  It was the same way at the show - recall if you will from my last post I saw 2 bras thrown on stage. Women go absolutely bananas when they see something, or someone, they want.  All caution is thrown to the wind and guards are down.  The word "vulnerable" doesn't even begin to describe what occurs.

Now with men, it's much simpler.  If there is a celebrity female they are nutting over, all that happens is they maybe pay a little closer attention to the tv when she comes on, or perhaps a magazine gets a little, um, "loved" and left in the bathroom or on the nightstand by the bed.  There's no screaming, certainly no crying, and God forbid, any throwing of themselves.  As a matter of fact, if the woman they desire happens to be a singer, do they attend her concert?  No, unless their wives or girlfriends are dragging them.  And they act pained to be at said concert.

There was always this tradition in my sorority towards the end of the year, we'd get a male stripper.  It was somewhat of a running joke, but it was always fun.  The sisters who got really into it, would get all over this poor guy.  I've been to other places where there is a male stripper and the guy practically gets raped by the women there.  Now, go to a strip club where the dancers are women and the main patrons are men and you will see a whole different scenario.  The men play it cool.  They simply approach the stage when they feel like it, give the girl a dollar after she shakes her ass in their face, and sit back down.  Even when getting a lap dance, the expression men have on their faces easily resembles the same expression they have when watching tv.  Complete poker face.

Going back to my boy band obsession....those guys knew Saturday night that if they wanted to get laid, all they had to do was point to the girl of their choice and go from there.  They also knew they were in complete control of the situation because they knew they were hot because of all the women giving the same screaming/crying/falling down reactions.  Whereas, were it the other way around, I'm not so sure the female celebrity would be so cocky.  Who knows, maybe I'm wrong, but what I know for sure is this: do NOT get in the way of a women who is throwing herself at her celebrity boy toy du jour or you are liable to get seriously injured.

NKOTBSB concert recap

So this post has absolutely nothing to do with weight loss, but rather chronicles my attendance at the NKOTBSB concert.  I haven't been to a concert in a couple years and the last one was Bon Jovi - awesome concert, btw - so needless to say I was excited.  Unfortunately, I never saw New Kids in concert in the late '80s/early '90s because, well, I'm not sure, but I'll blame my mother for not taking me.  I'm sure it had to do with the fact that, unlike many parents today, my mother was not about to not only spend money, but also time on something she did not want to do.  As a result, this was my first time seeing NKOTB live.  This minor hiccup does not mean that I wasn't a fan - au contraire.  I had t-shirts, the cassette tapes, bootlegged videos taped on my VCR while watching MTV (you know, back when they played music videos), a giant button, and a HUGE crush on Jordan Knight.  As a matter of fact, I recall a back and forth, if you will, with a girlfriend as to who was going to marry Jordan.  I guess it goes without saying that fantasy never happened. *sigh*

One of the perks of being married to a man who works in radio is the access to free concert tickets. And God love my husband for putting his name down on the list months ago for NKOTBSB tickets.  It was a little touch and go as to if it was actually going to happen since the whole reason stations get tickets is to give them away to listeners, not let employees' wives benefit, but we got the tickets and all was right in the universe.  Now The Husband did warn me that since they were free give-away tickets, not to expect them to be good seats...well the Boy Band Gods were smiling down on us because we got lower level!

So the next issue to worry about when going to a concert is "What the f* do I wear?!"  See, I don't really have any of my "ho clothes" from my clubbin' days, and even if I did, I'm a mom now.  For the love of all things holy, no one - and I mean NO ONE - wants to see a mom body stuffed like a sausage into something that has its main fibers as spandex and sequins.  So my choices were limited.  My first option was my go-to comfortable v-neck t-shirt, jeans, and flip flops.  Then the following conversation happened:

The Husband: You look nice, honey.

Me: I look like a mom going to a concert.

TH: That's what you are.

Me: Fuck

Time to change....I go into the recesses of my closet to find something, anything, that resembles appropriate "going to the bars to get my swerve on" options.  I find something, squish my boobs into it, and suddenly feel slightly better. As I'm walking out the door, I ask The Husband if I still look like a "mom going to a concert".  He tells me I look like a hot, 30-something, single chick looking to get laid.  Perfect.  I scoot out the door before I can finish hearing TH say something to the effect of: "But, I'll be here if you want to fulfill that last part when you get home...!"

My daughter wanted to come.

Time to roll out.  I go pick up the BFF - who also had the same "what the eff do I wear to a boy band concert so I don't look like an asshole?!" problem I had. Thank God for friends.  On the way, we have the obligatory "what sorts of [insert choice here] do you think we'll see at the concert" banter in the car.  After paying to park and scoring a pretty decent spot, we notice so many oddities, there are not enough words in the English language to describe.  We immediately realize we have been tagged by the local radio stations as old since the "easy listening" station vehicle is parked front and center as we arrive.  Throwing a bone at the concert goers more interested in seeing Backstreet is the top 40 station vehicle.  I will pretend they are targeting me.

Then comes the visual "eye candy" in droves.  There are so many women wearing NKOTBSB shirts that someone needs to resend the "don't be that guy at the concert" memo.  We saw outfits spanning the homemade puffy paint shirt variety to the "we're headin to da club right after the show" outfit to the "I'm a mom and will wear something comfortable and practical damnit" to the outfits that made you wonder if these girls had friends to let them know they should never leave the house looking like they do. Oh, and let's not forget the bitches who busted out the over-sized New Kids pins they have been saving for 20+ years for just such an occasion.

We got a good glimpse of what we could expect to see should we decide we needed to use the bathroom.  Women lined up just to get in the coliseum.  WHAT!  Really?  Is this necessary?  At any rate, BFF and I decide to begin our critiques of the crowd acknowledging all the preggos, newly 20-somethings, unfortunate 40-somethings, and the like as we wait.  It's at this point BFF says we should have made "MILF" shirts. Damnit!  That would have been awesome!

First things first, find the seats.  Not only are we on the aisle, but we have a great view of the stage.  Thanks TH!

Me and the BFF in our awesome seats

Drinks before Boy Bands!

The second most important thing after you find your seats (and after you've gone to the bathroom - hey, we're wearing spanx damnit and they squeeze the bladder!) is to find the bar.  The nice bartender cards me.  I want to tongue kiss him.  We get our wine - we ARE moms after all - and set up camp at one of the bar tables.  This is when the real fun begins: we see acid washed jeans, we see neon, we see Members Only jackets, we see side ponytails.  BFF says we should have made scavenger hunt lists of what one would see at an NKOTBSB concert. Damnit!  That would have been awesome!

We sit through the opening acts - Midnight Red??  Who the hell are you? Other than jail bait - and Matthew Morrison aka Mr. Schuester from Glee.  He was good....only when he sang covers.  When he busted out his original songs, not that they weren't good, but when you're known for what you sing on a show, that's what should be coming out of your mouth.

Finally, the lights go out and the moment every pre-menopausal woman paid good money for - the boys were coming on

At this moment, there wasn't a dry pair of panties in the house.

I hate to admit that I probably should have refreshed the old memory as to the lyrics of the songs, but I sang what I remembered.  And pretty much everyone flipped out when NKOTB did "Right Stuff" and actually did the same dance moves from the video.  Granted, if you look at the old videos compared to what they did at the show, there is definitely not as much swing.  But don't worry, ladies.  Just when you were starting to question "Oh no!  Have they lost it???"  Time to lose some clothing.

 

Yum

The rest of the show was awesome and both boy bands did a great job making every woman in there feel like she was the age she was when she first heard the songs.  So much so that on 2 separate occasions, bras were thrown on stage.  Granted they were ultra comfy looking and practical white and beige bras, but come on, those ladies were trying.  Just imagine how their ta-tas must have felt the rest of the concert unprotected from the "mom dancing" that was happening.  The sacrifices some make for the hopes of a post-concert sexcapade that ends in an illegitimate child requiring the famous, boy band, baby daddy to pay up.

So, as with everything, all good things must come to an end and the boys did an encore consisting of "Hangin' Tough" and "Backstreets Back".  As I mentioned earlier, it had been a while since I had gone to a concert and I forgot 2 very important things:
1) You are absolutely deaf.
2) Trying to beat the crowds is like trying to fight fat people at Golden Corral.

Once again, the gods are smiling down to provide BFF and me with amazing visuals to fuel the flames of our cattiness.  The best was an extremely drunk bride-to-be being led out, barefoot, by her girlfriends.  The aim of this game is to make sure you are not near said drunk bride when she decides the room is spinning just a bit too much and hurls her cosmos on the floor.

Heading home, BFF and I do the usual recap of the show: "Was it just me or did Jonathan Knight look like he was woken up just in time to start the show?"  "That 9 yr-old BSB pulled up on stage to serenade SO didn't appreciate that.  Bitch wasn't even born when they were first popular!" "Did you see the gays across the aisle wearing the Katy Perry shirts?"  etc.  I swear, we need a reality show.  Overall, the concert and evening was a blast and I really hope NKOTBSB continue to ride out their new 15 minutes of fame because BFF and I will so be there at the next concert dressed in our "MILF" shirts, scavenger hunts in hand, and fully charged camera batteries.  Because damn, it was awesome!

WW Week 2 - First 5

Boo Ya Bitches!  First 5 lbs down reached!  Clearly had a much better week than last week.  Not that last week was bad, but it's nice to see a large amount gone.  Now, by no means am I a WW spokesperson, but the new points system is so much easier to follow.  By that I mean, I really don't feel deprived or hungry.  There are so many points you can spread over the week, that it's impossible to overeat....well, maybe not impossible, but still.

Weigh in: 185.6lbs

Loss: -3.5lbs

Total since start: -5.2lbs

Again, I'm pretty pleased so far.  The one thing I need to start to incorporate is exercise.  I may wait another week since "they" say it takes 3 weeks (or something like that) to form a habit, so I'll get my eating into a habit and then I'll figure out how to incorporate exercise.  I really want to do the classes at the local gym since they have ass-kicking Zumba!

First week back

The road to Hell is paved with good intentions and such is my life.  I intend to do things, but something trivial always manages to come and screw with my intentions.  When I decided to blog daily about my weight loss, I meant it.  I wanted to post every day as a way of being accountable for my actions.  In reality, if I were to actually blog every day, I think I'd gouge my eyes out with CSC's toddler spoon, so I can only imagine what those of you who read this would do.  So really, I'm saving lives here.

At any rate, after reconsidering what's worth blogging I have decided that should something noteworthy occur, I shall blog.  If it doesn't, then I'll write once a week with an update on my weight loss.  Knowing that some people are reading this to see if I'm really keeping up with the plan will hopefully continue to keep me motivated to continue.

Following the new WW points plan isn't as hard as I thought it would be AND I can eat almost all the fruit I want - zero points now bitches!!!  I have actually found myself at the end of the day needing to eat because I didn't eat all my points.  Oh darn....I need to eat more.  Shucks.......

Here are the results of week 1:

Weigh in: 189.2

Change: - 1.6lbs

Not bad for the first week.  I have to be honest, I was kind of hoping for something a bit more dramatic since the other times I've done WW, the first week is always awesome because your body is shocked.  But I'm choosing to look on the bright side - at least I didn't gain.

Another day, another challenge

So goes day 2 of my plan to blog my way to being a skinny bitch.  Today was really a "catch up" day after having traveled back from NJ yesterday.  Laundry to be done, phone calls to make, emails to catch up on, etc.  The usual.  I took my daughter to her weekly Little Gym class during which she decided to show her ass during the dance class portion. I love my daughter, I really do, but I had to resist the urge to gag her with her tutu.  In the end, I had to send The Husband (aka The Softie) out of the room so that she would keep trying to run to him for protection.  It worked and then she was fairly normal during the gymnastics part.  I chatted up with another mom with whom I'd been "friend flirting" for some time.  She has an adorable little girl and hopefully a play date will happen in the relatively near future.

As for my plan to do the Wii for 20 minutes today - FAIL.  We met with CPI security because we wanted to switch alarm companies.  We're not exactly happy with our current provider, so they are getting kicked off the island.  That meeting took close to 2 hours, then there was dinner and family time.  I know "excuses excuses"....sue me.  It was also Africa hot out today I might add.  Not like that did anything to our AC, but I'm reaching here people!

I need to go grocery shopping because we don't have much food left in the house from when I seriously stocked up pre-vacay.  I have determined that my fruit and veggie intake sucks and I need to focus on that.  Since most of them are 0 points now thanks to the new WW points system, I can snack away guilt free - whoo hoo.  Does it count if I dip the fruit in gobs of chocolate?

The first day is always the easiest

So today is technically day 2 of being back on the wagon with my weight loss.  I have diligently restarted from scratch my WW stats and have been "journaling" everything that I eat. What I notice about following WW is that I'm always pretty gung-ho for the first couple of weeks and then someone presents to me cake and it's down hill from there.  I swear, WW is like AA for fat people:

"Hi.  My name is Aimee, and I love to overeat."

"Hi Aimee"

"I have not touched a piece of cake in three days."

*Insert obligatory, congratulatory golf clap here*

A few things I have noticed about my eating habits now that they are back under the microscope:

1) I graze.  I pick. I nibble.  I do anything but make myself a healthy meal to eat.  As a matter of fact, in the time it takes for me to shove whatever in my face, I could have made something a lot healthier.

2) Nighttime is the most difficult time to not do said grazing of food.  I'm not sure what it is about nighttime that makes me want to just raid the cabinets, but that is my weakest time of day.

So apparently, tomorrow is supposed to be Africa hot outside, so there goes my desire to walk the neighborhood.  Good news is I have Wii Fit and will be setting a goal of doing that for 20 minutes tomorrow. As for my foray into Zumba, I plan to find a class around here and a sucker good friend who will go with me.

Here I go again

So it's time to face facts: I am overweight.  By a lot.  I'm not going to call myself the "f word" and say I'm fat, because I'm not what I would considered fat, or obese for that matter.  I am, however, very overweight.  My clothes have been fitting tighter than I would prefer and so it's time that I actually do something about it rather than simply bitch and wish there was a miracle cure such as a pill or a winning lottery ticket so I could afford the necessary plastic surgery.  Unfortunately, neither is available at this time.

I have decided that the only way I will actually stick to following my WW diet and actually exercising rather than talking about it is by blogging and posting - making it public so that I don't humiliate myself with exclamations of "I'm going to get skinny!" and in reality sitting on the couch with ice cream to watch marathon amounts of TV.  I named this blog "Confessions of a Wannabe MILF"* because I was hoping to track my progress to MILF-hood, publish it and become wealthy...or at least make some decent cash.  We shall see.....

So here are my stats:

Starting weight - 190.8 (YIKES!  How the hell did I let this happen???  Oh wait, it's my lack of restraint with food)
Current size - 14 or Large/XL
Hips - 47in
Waist - 35.5in

Current goal according to WW: 181lbs
Ultimate goal: 125 lbs/size 6

And let's not forget the visual evidence:

All of this revealing is very embarrassing, and I can't believe I let this happen, but I need to fix it.  I know I can because I have seen evidence of others who are very overweight (Biggest Loser anyone?) and have lost the equivalent of people in pounds.  Now, I'm not looking to do that....maybe the size of small child though.  My plan is to blog daily about what I have done/eaten during the day, track  my weight and measurements weekly, and post a photo monthly.  Let's see how I do....

*As you can see the original name of this blog has changed.*