No, that's not my child

Since making the first one, I'm hair bow obsessed!  I've been pinning various tutorials because I'm bound and determined to master the art of hair bow making.  So imagine the jackpot I hit when, after coming out of Bed Bath & Beyond, I saw over at Michael's a bin filled with spools of ribbon for $1 each!  I totally stocked up on the cute ones I found and had to stop myself from buying everything.

Since I needed more clippies for said hair bows, CSC and I went inside to check out what they had.  It is virtually impossible for me to just go into a store straight to what I need, get it and walk out without looking around the entire store.  Even Lowe's or Home Depot!  It's like a sickness, really.  Well, as we were going through the store, I'm sure many of the lovely shoppers knew my daughter's name since I had to call it so frequently due to her wandering tendencies of "Ooh Mommy!  Look at this!" or "I want this, Mommy."  It's times like this when I think child leashes are a God-send and wish I'd had one.

We get to where they sell the clippies and they are out of the ones I need.  Poop.  Oh well, off to pay for my shit ton of ribbon.  After the almost 10 minutes it took us to get to the line because CSC had to stop and pick up those flowers and then find a price sticker only to throw it repeatedly and then she had to pick up some wooden pieces meant for painting and ask what each one was and then she had to check out the $1 stationary bin.... I felt like that old school Bill Cosby bit where he talks about the little boy, Jeffrey, on the airplane and the mother is constantly going: "Jeffery!  Will you come here, Jeffery! Jeffrey!  JEFFREY!"  That was me with CSC.

So we're waiting in line and as we wait, CSC wants to rearrange the lollipops in the display.  Ok, fine. She's not bothering anyone...she's quiet...no worries. Then it gets to the point where we are next and I try to coax her away from the display.  She tells me she's busy....something she says quite often now when she doesn't want to do what you ask.  I tell her that when it's our turn, I'm going to go and leave her.  She says, "No, Mommy. Stay here."  I tell her I can't and then I realize it's my turn.  I say to her, "Ok, it's my turn.  I'm going.  Bye."

I turn the corner to go to the next available register when I hear it.....

NOOOOOOOO!!!!! 

Followed by the most high pitched, blood curdling scream.  It was like she was getting stabbed or something.  I'm sure the other customers were staring at me.  God only knows what they were thinking, but I honestly don't care.  I got up to the cashier and said to her "That child is not mine."  Meanwhile I was wishing a hole would open beneath me and swallow me up, or that I could at least do this:

I often tell myself in these situations that there is nothing I did wrong, nor was there anything I could do at the time, except ignore it so she'd stop.

CSC did come running up to me, crying like she was just told Santa wasn't real, and grabbed onto my leg....so I kind of had to claim her at that point.  As I took my bag, I apologized to the cashier, and quickly walked out of Michael's.

On the way to the car, I told CSC she provided a great deal of birth control for many shoppers that day.  Her response?  To fall asleep in the car like a little bitch angel, and stay that way the whole ride home.

"I'm a BIG girl!" - CSC

Recently, my daughter has adequately reminded everyone who has told her she is a little girl that she is, in fact, a BIG GIRL.  Not to brag....well, maybe a little...when I was grocery shopping yesterday three separate people stopped CSC and me to let her know she was a pretty little girl.  CSC did not hesitate to correct them with: "NO, I'm a BIG girl!"  And so it begins....

My daughter, wearing an outfit of her choice, doing her "FABULOUS" pose.

Since CSC is no longer a little girl, it was high time to move to a big girl bed.  When we registered for her bedroom furniture, we didn't take into account the fact that the company could discontinue that model.  And that is exactly what happened to us.  Months ago, I went on a wild hunt for the full size bed rails to convert the crib to a bed.  I figured there was no point in going to a toddler bed, buying those rails too.  Total waste of money.  Now before you judge because you have just realized that she's 3 and still in a crib, the pediatrician said there was no rush to move her and if she was cool with sleeping in a crib, then so be it.  Plus, I needed to have The Husband home in order to put the bed together.  Not that I'm incapable, so not the case, it was just a two person job.  And what do you need for a full size bed?  Why a full size mattress, of course!

TH is "home" this weekend because of a work function that just so happened to be here, so we decided this was the weekend we'd finally convert the crib and get our kid a mattress.  We went to Rooms to Go Kids where the lady there was clearly in need of a glass of Chardonnay, or a smile, whatever.  She showed us two mattresses and tried to convince me the box spring was a necessity when I could get a smaller platform to help support the mattress (less expensive than the box spring, BTW).  I told her that I wanted the bed lower to the ground since my daughter is part pygmy and I didn't want her to struggle getting in and out of bed.  Debbie Downer said that not getting a box spring would make the bed lower to the ground, so obviously I wanted a box spring.  Yes, you read that right....clearly, Debbie needed to pay attention.  After getting the details - how much and when it would be delivered (in 2 weeks! WTF!!) - we said thank you, collected CSC from off the top of a bunk bed and headed next door to Mattress Plus.  The guy there was super helpful, as he had a 3 yr. old himself.  He recommended several mattresses and suggested we also try them out since, let's be honest, there are going to be times when we'd be sleeping in there.  We decided on a mattress that has some of the memory foam qualities, but is still sturdy.  It came with a 10 year warranty, AND the mattress cover comes with a 10 year warranty too.  Not only that, he waived the delivery fee!!! and the mattress is getting delivered tonight!  Whoo hoo!

CSC got in the way helped us as we took apart her crib and transformed it into a full size bed.  Remember how I said the crib design was discontinued?  Yeah, the rails didn't come with instructions and I had to use my awesome Google search skills to find them online.  Yeah, about halfway through we had to figure them out for ourselves because what they were telling us to do didn't match up with the pieces we had.  WTF!!  Bottom line, we got the thing together and are waiting for the mattress to be delivered.  As for a room re-do, here's a pic of what I'm ordering for CSC.  I almost went for our signature zebra pattern, but thought this was cuter.  What do you think?

DIY? Don't mind if I do!

Spending so much time on Pinterest lately has inspired me to make something.  I have been feeling crafty lately, and I enjoy a good project every now and then....especially when I don't fuck it up.

My daughter has the thinnest hair EVER especially considering how thick my hair is and how much her father is covered in hair himself - we were convinced I was going to birth a wookie when I was pregnant with her.  I haven't cut it because I'm hoping it'll get thicker, but I may have to bite the bullet and get her a trim.  Fortunately, her hair is long enough to do really cool things, like braiding and ponytails, but because it's so thin, it's hard to keep clippies in.  If it's not the right kind of clip, it won't last long in her hair without falling out.  What ever is a mom to do?  Off to Pinterest I go!

I found this tutorial and figured it looked simple enough.  Here is my version:

 You will need:

• 1 yard of 1.5" grosgrain ribbon
• hot glue gun (with glue sticks.....duh)
• a fabric pen
• needle and thread (color doesn't matter since it will be covered)
• ruler
• clip of your choice

 Measure and cut off 5" and put it aside.  It's going to be your knot.

 Measure 3" from the end of the remaining 31" and make dotted marks with the pen.  As you can see, my pen bled a little bit,  but again, it doesn't matter because it'll be covered.  Just don't go nuts with the pen.  You also want it to bleed through to the other side.

 Measure 6" from the first mark you made.  Continue doing this until you have 5 dotted line marks and there is 3.5" remaining at the end after the last dotted line.

 Next you're going to want to double thread the needle.  Now if you're like me, you're thinking "WTF is double threading?!"  If you're crafty by nature, or happen to sew more than just buttons, then perhaps you know what this means.  If you don't, no worries....here's the tutorial I googled.

I know you can't really see the thread...I chose a dark color.

 Take your double threaded needle (make sure you make a pretty big knot at the end) and start a running stitch along the first line you made.  Continue with the next line, but make sure you are folding the ribbon so the back side is showing every other time. If you don't do this, you will jack up your ribbon.

 Once you have sewn through all the lines, gently, yet tightly, pull the thread so that the ribbon bunches.

 Wrap the remaining thread around the center and add a few stitches through the center to hold the shape of the bow.  Before stitching, make sure you've arranged the bow the way you want it and that the pattern side is showing.

 Remember that 5" you cut off?  Fold it in 3rds and knot it in the center.  When you glue it to the center of the bow, you may need to trim it a little so it's not too bulky.

This is the back of the bow after the knot has been glued on.

 You can use pretty much any kind of clippie, but I prefer these with the teeth because they hold really well, especially in thin hair.

 I snipped off a little bit of the ribbon and glued it to the clippie before I glued the clippie to the bow.  With this type of clippie, you can't cover the part that holds the hair with ribbon, otherwise you defeat the purpose of the teeth.  I also cut the tails of the bows into points and sealed them with stuff that helps it not fray.  Supposedly, you can use fire, but I'm not enough of a pyro to test that out.

Here's the finished product.  It's a pretty big bow, so for now my daughter will use it just for a ponytail.  I'm going to attempt to make smaller ones so she can use them as barrettes and for her signature pigtails.  Not too shabby if I do say so myself!  What do you think?

Tuesday Truths

So here are a few things on my mind....

1) I really think that every 5 years after your wedding, you should be allowed to throw yourself a shower and register for new stuff.  I can't stand most of what I have now that I registered for back then, plus, there is always newer and better stuff coming out.

2) I'm tired of people being lazy with basic grammar.  Is it really that hard to remember the difference between "your" and "you're"?

3) I'm really over when people ask me if I know any of the cast of the Jersey Shore when I tell them I'm from Jersey.  Seriously?!

4) For once, I'd like to see a film adaptation of the book actually follow the story from said book.  I'm really curious how the hell the film industry is planning on making Fifty Shades of Grey into a movie *without* it being a porno.

5) I will do laundry and repeatedly re-run the dryer because I've taken so long to get the clothes that they are wrinkled.

6) I'm really convinced some girls don't have friends or family members who love them enough to tell them they look awful in clothes that are too small.  Ladies, why the hell are you leaving the house with clothes on that belong in the junior department when you are CLEARLY not a junior??

7) I'm not ashamed to admit that, even though I'm an English teacher, I have the worst habit of misspelling words and I will sing "Hollaback Girl" to remember how to spell bananas.  Thank you, Gwen Stefani!

8) My "Five" are (in no particular order): Matthew McConaughey, Justin Timberlake, Channing Tatum, Bradley Cooper, and Leonardo DiCaprio

9) I really think some people feel the stick that is to the side of the steering wheel is a cute little accessory to hang shit from.  It's called a blinker.  When you are planning on making a turn, please use it so I don't run into your dumb ass.  Also, when you're done with it, SHUT IT OFF!

10) I'm not above tricking my child into going to bed rather than getting her that drink of water I KNOW she only wanted because it's bed time.  I will go to sleep tonight just fine knowing that I had absolutely no intention of actually going back into her room in 10 minutes to give her the requested drink of water if she still wasn't asleep....also mentioning that she had to be lying down and not crying or whining in order for it to count.  I need to relish this time before she starts calling me out on my bullshit.

This post is part of a series called Tuesday Truths, a Blog Hop hosted by Perfectly Imperfect Mom and The Practically Green Mom. 

WebMD = Cancer Diagnosis

Many years ago, in my early 20s, I spent a good deal of time googling different symptoms I thought I had on WebMD learning that the end result always led to some horrible, incurable disease.  Granted, I was also diagnosed shortly after that with Anxiety/Depression Disorder and was introduced to the lovely world of SSRIs.  Since then, I have avoided going onto WebMD because of how they make a simple cold seem like early stages of pancreatic cancer.

Well, as I've said several times in recent posts, I have been seeing a nutritionist who has introduced me to the paleo diet and helped me lose weight at a reasonable and steady pace.  I feel healthier and feel lighter.  This desire to be healthier, not just for me, but also for my beautiful daughter, sent me on a trek to see a general physician and get a physical....something I hadn't done in years.  At the first visit, I asked her about this bump I'd had in my wrist.  It was determined to be a ganglion cyst which was easily drained at the orthopedic doctor's office for a simple $50 copay. (Have I mentioned before that I HATE insurance companies?)  My doctor (really Nurse Practitioner, but who cares) told me to get some blood work done prior to the actual physical.  No prob, Bob.

I had the blood work done by what has got to be the worst phlebotomist EVER and found out the results at my actual physical appointment earlier this week.  Kidneys?  Good. Liver? Doing its job.  White and Red Blood Cells? Looking great. Cholesterol? Much higher than it should be, but will probably (hopefully) get to normal over the next few months with more weight loss and healthy eating.  Vitamin D? In the toilet.  The desired range for a healthy amount of Vitamin D is between 30 and 100.  My level? 19.3  The doctor tells me that this may be the cause of why I've been so tired - more so than just simply having a 3 yr old to run after and being a teacher and temporary single mom - and....wait for it....why it may be so hard for me to lose weight.  *insert heavenly choir of angels for the 'a-ha' moment I experienced*  She prescribed me a C R A Z Y amount of Vitamin D to take over the next few months before I have another blood draw to check the cholesterol and the Vitamin D levels.

Granted it took me a few days, but since it's unavoidable for me to *not* google anything I need to know more about, I naturally searched "vitamin D deficiency".  Tons of links popped up and I chose what looked to be the more reputable ones - those coming from either hospitals or well-know medical source sites.  And of course, what should pop up?  WebMD.  Dare I go there after my experience years ago with googling symptoms and ailments?  I have been there since and not had horrible experiences, so why not?  So here's what I learned:

"If you shun the sun [nope because I have a fabulous tan], suffer from milk allergies [wrong again], or adhere to a strict vegetarian diet [I like meat, so, no], you may be at risk for vitamin D deficiency."

Ok, so how the hell could this have happened?  I read on...

"Vitamin D is essential for strong bones because it helps the body use calcium from the diet. Traditionally, vitamin D deficiency has been associated with rickets, a disease in which the bone tissue doesn't properly mineralize, leading to soft bones and skeletal deformities. But increasingly, research is revealing the importance of vitamin D in protecting against a host of health problems."

Great!  Bring on the "host of health problems" in the first two paragraphs.  What the hell is rickets?  And Lord knows I sure as hell don't want osteoporosis in my later years, for which rickets seems to be the precursor.  The article on WebMD continues on with what could happen with continued Vitamin D deficiency...

• Increased risk of death from cardiovascular disease (Awesome)
• Cognitive impairment in older adults (And I thought preggo brain was bad)
• Severe asthma in children (Never so glad I was an adult)

And, wait for it.....

• Cancer

There it is!  The inevitable cancer diagnosis popular with WebMD searches.  It also goes on to say that proper levels of the vitamin can prevent types 1 and 2 diabetes, hypertension (is that what happened to me when I was preggo with CSC?), and MS.  So again, I'm perplexed as to how I could have come across this problem with the oh-so-important D Vitamin. I read further....

Vitamin D deficiency can occur for a number of reasons:

You don't consume the recommended levels of the vitamin over time. 
Possible, but seeing the list of foods that contain Vitamin D, I'm fairly certain the problem lies elsewhere.

Your exposure to sunlight is limited. 
Again, I reference exhibit A - my awesome summer tan

You have dark skin. 
Unless I'm tan, I'm pretty pale for an Italian girl, so another miss

Your kidneys cannot convert vitamin D to its active form. 
Lab results said kidneys were earning their keep in my body, so try again WebMD

Your digestive tract cannot adequately absorb vitamin D. 
It mentioned Crohns disease, celiac, and cystic fibrosis here, none of which I have, so I'm beginning to think I'm a medical marvel at this point.

You are obese.
 A HA!  There it is....I'm a fat ass with the BMI required to be a member of this club. 

So I do the next natural thing and begin to read about treatment for this deficiency.  Lose weight and get to a healthy BMI.  Working on it.  Take a ridiculously large amount of Vitamin D. Script has been written and awaiting pick-up from the pharmacy.

In my continued journey towards good health, and ultimately MILF-hood, I will start taking the supplement and hopefully bring my levels back outside of the cancer danger zone.  And in true WebMD fashion, at the end of all the "helpful" information and simple treatments, they don't fail to remind me that without the necessary Vitamin D, cancer is in my future.  I guess I need to tan more....oh wait, that causes skin cancer.  I guess I'm screwed either way.  I need some Chardonnay.

Jillian Michaels kicked my ass

Since I have been having so much success with the paelo diet - down 7 lbs so far in 1 month - and the bouts of exercise I've been getting in make me feel better, I decided it was time to step it up.  I bought the Jillian Michaels 30 Day Shred DVD since I know she can give results.

Since returning from Delaware (that's where I made my purchase) I've been looking at the still-wrapped DVD sitting next to the TV.  In all fairness, I did have a busy couple of days as soon as I got back to NC, but I could almost hear Jillian's voice from the DVD saying, "Get up fattie so I can kick your ass!"  I really want to be at a healthy weight and have the energy I know I can.  I'm only 34 for pete's sake!

Now, mama didn't raise no fool.  I know Jillian is tough and her workouts are no joke, but I also figured I had 20 minutes a day to complete one of her 3-2-1 cycles.  After spending most of the day being extremely lazy blaming it on the blah weather and the fact that I've been running around the like a chicken with its head cut off, I decided it was high time I took the cellophane off the case and see what Jillian had up her sleeve for me.  I go and change out of my summer uniform sundress and put on my exercise clothes.  I come back to the living room where my daughter pauses briefly from playing on my iPad to ask me what I'm about to do.  I tell her, "Mommy's going to exercise."  "Exercise?" she asks.  "I want to exercise too!"  I figure, why not, she'll be my workout buddy.  I pop in the DVD and I'm we're ready to go.  CSC has even gone to her room and put her sneakers on, too.

Jillian starts off the DVD calmly explaining that the 30 day shred is going to help me achieve all - around health and to consider her my personal trainer.  Oh goodie...she's made people on The Biggest Loser cry.  She goes on to tell me that this DVD is all about pushing myself if I want to see results. Ok, Jillian, I got you....let the torture shred begin....

I should have known after I completed the warm up and was slightly winded that I was in a little over my head.  The calm "you can do it" Jillian was gone and replaced with drill sergeant "Don't you effing think about wanting a break, bitch!"  I have to admit it was cute watching CSC do her version of the exercises and repeating after me when I said under my breath "Oh God, I'm going to die." or "I wanna barf."  We finished the first circuit and just when I was thinking, "Thank you Jesus, I survived!"  That bitch Jillian was up and running again telling me it was time to do the circuit again.  It was at that point that I had to stop.  Her workout is no joke, and I was so not ready for it.  Part of me feels defeated because I had to stop, but another part of me, the part that would have been puking her brains out in the toilet had I not stopped when I did, figured it was a good start and something I'll be working towards. I've seen the before and after pics online of people who have done the 30DS and they look amazing.  I want that.  But I also realize that while I am all about wanting to shock my system so that I see some change, I'm not interested in dying in the process.

I'll be going back to my abuser Jillian tomorrow, and hopefully I'll make it to the end of the workout.  If I do, great.  If not, I tried.  At least it's a start.

I'm still here...I promise!

I can't believe how long it's been since I posted a blog!  Man, I'm behind!  The last weight loss blog I posted was when I was going to try Body by Vi.  I tried it, and I'm apparently the ONLY person who does not achieve desired results.  Figures....  I ended up gaining weight instead of losing.  WRONG DIRECTION! As much as I loved making the different shakes (which were very tasty BTW) and the convenience of them, I did not, however, enjoy the extra 5 lbs. it added to my ass.  So I decided my body and metabolism needed a good jump start.

After much thought, I realized that even if the shakes had worked, I did not want to spend the rest of my life relying on protein shakes for fear that stopping them would result in gaining all my weight back.  I know I have mentioned several friends who have gone to weight loss clinics and had great results, so I decided to look into one.  I found MD Wellness & Weight Management.  After talking for a long while with the front desk nurse, and talking to my mom about wanting something different that would "shock" my body out of its routine, I decided to make an appointment to see the doctor.  I wasn't sure what to expect as far as what he'd say I could and couldn't eat, but I knew that I was glad to be able to see a licensed physician who specialized in nutrition and weight loss.

After meeting Dr. Schaffer for the first consultation, I really felt that he would do as he said and treat me holistically - not just focus on what I was eating or how I was exercising, but also take into consideration my lifestyle as a teacher and temporary single mom with a long-distance husband.  He introduced me to the Paleo Diet, although he did not label it that.  I was taught that the body processes sugars and carbs the same way and when overloaded with sugar, the body's attempt at thwarting diabetes is to do something, anything, with the extra sugar.  That anything is storing it as fat when all other options have been exhausted.  If the body isn't using the sugar for energy, it needs to go somewhere, so into the fat cells it goes.  After hearing the list of what I could eat (all the fruits, veggies, and leafy greens I wanted) and what I couldn't (bread, pasta, soda, anything artificial) I felt overwhelmed, but excited.  Hey, I got to shop at Whole Foods where all the healthy people go!

My first trip to Whole Foods was an experience.  I felt so out of my element!  Everything was organic - something I poo-pooed previously, but now had to gravitate towards per Dr. Schaffer's orders - and there were foods I'd never even seen before!  Despite feeling the intimidation from the clog wearing, vegetarian, Rusted Root listening, yoga attendees who came shopping complete with their reusable, Earth-friendly shopping bags, I managed to get a stockpile of approved foods to start my diet.

I was excited to go back 2 weeks later for my weigh in to see how dramatically my body was changing.  Imagine my surprise when I only lost a fraction of a pound!  WTF!  I thought it was supposed to melt away!  Not that Dr. Schaffer gave me any impression that would happen, but I was looking to shock my body, and instead my body was lightly shaken.  Since The Husband and I would be going on a cruise (aka "floating all you can eat buffet") for our anniversary this year, you can imagine how freaked out I was.  I had no clue how I was going to follow the paleo diet while on a cruise.  I wanted to enjoy myself, not freak out about what I could and couldn't eat.  Dr. Schaffer gave me some tips and reminded me that this diet was really a lifestyle change that isn't easy at first.  He reminded me what to avoid, but said I could treat myself modestly when it came to the "do not eat" foods.

Well, we went on the cruise, and I did my fair share of drinking the daily cocktails offered and taking advantage of the great food on the boat.  I ate more than what I probably should have of the "taboo" foods, but TH and I went to the gym the first morning, snorkeled while at Bermuda, did a great deal of walking since the ship was HUGEMONGUS!, took the stairs when we only had a few flights to go, and danced our asses off every night at da club.  I thought for sure I'd come back at least 5 lbs. heavier than before I went, so you can bet I just about passed out when I weighed in and found out I HAD LOST 4 WHOLE POUNDS!!  Even though I had great results, I was expecting Dr. Schaffer to admonish me for not sticking strictly to my paleo diet, but instead he said my actions were fine.  He reiterated that this lifestyle change should not create headaches and not be fun, but rather be more of a challenge to eat healthy foods.  He said the most important idea I was learning was remembering and acknowledging how my body processed foods I eat.  Imagining I'm eating a bowl of sugar when eating a roll definitely helps to avoid it.

Well, I'm back from the annual Delaware 4th of July Bruhaha, and I did not have to wear a muu muu on the beach.  I wasn't rocking the bikini, but good things come to those who work their asses off, and I fully intend to do just that with this lifestyle change.