I want to win the lottery, but that requires me to buy a ticket...

The few of you who read my blog are probably sick and tired of hearing me bitch about random shit in my life.  Well, for that I'm sorry, but it is my blog and I choose to discuss what I want.  School, for teachers, starts in one week and one day.  I want to vomit.  I am literally having panic attacks about it daily.  Granted they aren't the kind I had when I first found out I had issues with depression/anxiety, but I have this dreading feeling almost all day long.  I really really wish it would go away, but it hasn't.

I've been thinking more and more about my family and friends in NJ.  All of my real friends (save for an amount I can count on one hand) are back home.  My family is all back home.  Behavior and attitudes I consider normal are back home.  The only thing missing from the equation?  Me.  The Husband and I have chatted about moving there, but the reality is that move probably won't happen for at least another year.  Bottom line, because the market is shitty for sellers right now, we aren't about to put our house on the market and lose money.  What would be the point?  We're going to go about it in a smart way.  I'm really hoping the market begins to turn in the next year or two because the caged beast I have dwelling inside me stemming from my Italian/North Jersey roots is just waiting for an opportunity to rough a bitch up.  Now, case and point for a second....my people (aka northerners, specifically the greater tri-state area) would know that my previous statement would not mean that I would literally get into a street fight with someone, but rather I'd go crazy.  Those who are not my people would think I'd need to be physically restrained. 

As far as my weight loss....I haven't seen my trainer in a couple of weeks.  She and I are both teachers and she also coaches as well so our schedules haven't aligned in a while.  I need to get in touch with her and make a regular time to meet or else I will be totally derailed.  While I'm not pigging out on anything at the moment, I'm also not eating very healthy either.  I need to just buckle down and try better.  I need to keep my eyes on the prize.

Really?

Couple things I need to vent about and get off my chest....

First off, I am ridiculously depressed that the school year is right around the corner.  Honestly, students haven't a clue how much teachers dread the start of school.  This year for me it's different and I honestly didn't expect it to be.  I thought last year would have been harder: I had been off of school on maternity leave since April, I had a brand new baby...But this year is WAY harder.  I am actually having anxiety about it.  I'm thinking I need a break from teaching - just for a little bit.  Since I've already signed my contract for this upcoming school year, I'm obviously going to see that through, but I'm seriously going to try to find something online where I can work from home.

Next thing on my vent list is this: why is it people think they have the right to ask the question "so when are you going have kids/another kid?"  Is it their business? NO!  Honestly, for me, I don't want anymore.  I had a rough time of it pregnant, had to go on bed rest the last month due to hypertension, was scheduled to be induced, which resulted in a c-section, and that's just the short version.  Am I happy to have my beautiful daughter? Absolutely!  But knowing that the likelihood of a repeat pregnancy and delivery is high, it's not worth it to put my body at risk just to have another child.  Raising a child is hard and I cannot imagine doing it with two!  I give my friends with multiple children much props because I don't know how they do it.  Some people would say my desire to only have one for the reasons I've listed is selfish.  On the contrary, I think it's responsible and unselfish.  I understand the hard work that goes into raising a child and the pressures it can put on a marriage.  Having a child just to have another one, or because you think that's what you're supposed to do, rather than having another child because you want to raise another human being is selfish.  I just wish people would mind their business and quit discussing the current or future status of my uterus!

Finally, because there is much damage than can be done by putting ideas and opinions out on the internet, I choose to be vague here.  If someone has a problem with something I've said or done, then he/she needs to confront me to my face.  I think it's a pretty chicken shit move to talk about me behind my back about something that was a vent that happened MONTHS ago.  More and more lately, I have been having signs loud and clear that I need to have a major change happen in my life.  I will continue to pray about what that change should be and how I should go about implementing it.