Truth Be Told

Every four years, I get excited about two things: the summer Olympics and the election season.  Most of the time, I hate to admit, I am very "head in the sand" about what is going on in the country and in the world barring whatever I glean from Facebook or Twitter or word of mouth.  It's not some kind of statement I'm trying to make; I just don't like most of what I read because the depressing headlines are always way above the good, positive stories.  Reading all the terrible events that are happening make me feel like we are all going to Hell in a hand basket, but only because the media don't like to showcase all that is right in the world.  So when election and Olympic seasons start to come up, I can't get enough of reading about everything I can or watching whatever I can about all that is going on.  I guess you could say that is when I catch up about what I missed the other years.

Now each year "They" always say that "this is a critical election year" for a variety of reason.  Twelve years ago it was because we were either going to elect our first African-American president or our first female VP.  Four years ago, it was to either keep up what was going on in Washington or "drastically change" the status quo.  This election season is a whole new ballgame.

If you know me, it's not hard for you to gather that I lean toward liberal progressive views.  There are some conservative ideas I can jive with, but I'm most definitely "left of center".  If given the choice between Republican and Democrat, I tend to side with the Dems because they usually have platforms I agree with.  That being said, I have my fair share of Repubs I like: Giuliani, Christie Todd Whitman, Bloomberg (Yes I know he's Independent now, but I liked him then too).  It honestly boils down to if they support policies and ideas I can buy into.  Despite my personal views, I watch both Republican and Democratic debates.  I do tend to get angrier when I watch the Republicans, but neither side knows what they are talking about when it comes to my two causes close to my heart: education and mental health.  Getting into that would be a whole other blog post. I digress...

So I have been watching the debates ever since Jeb Bush was allowed to participate and there were more than just Bernie and Hillz.  When I watched the first Republican debate, I can honestly tell you that was the most entertaining television I had seen in a while.  The term "shit show" only scrapes the surface. I was bummed I forgot my popcorn when I was watching it.  What gets me though about both sides debating is that once a person drops out of the race, suddenly they are all about their rival who they tried so desperately to prove was not a good fit for the job. Again, I digress...

I said earlier that I love this time of year because of all the knowledge I gain about our country, the political system, foreign affairs.  I could go on, but the point is I soak up so much I didn't know. About both sides. And it's fascinating to me.  If I'm not sure of something that was mentioned or alluded, I simply go to the Google Machine and learn about it.  It's amazing.

On a side note: I cannot fully express how emotional I became when it was official that, for the first time, a woman is THE presidential candidate of a major political party.  Growing up, of course we were told that a woman could run for president, but it was coated with an unspoken idea that it was a foreign concept.  Love her, hate her, or have a neutral opinion, Hillary Clinton made history.  I can now confidently look my daughter in the face and say, "See, you can do that one day if you want." There is an actual example I can point to rather than an abstract maybe.  And for those of you who throw up in your mouths a little at the mere hint of HRC, I would have said the same thing if Carly Fiorina had been the candidate for the Repubs, so calm yourselves.
*And I am well aware that this is not the first time a woman has been the candidate of a political party.  I've done my homework thankyouverymuch.

Moving on.

Here's what I don't like about this time of year.  So many people, many of whom I admire and love tremendously, are very open about their views in such a negative and vitriolic way.  I welcome opposing viewpoints because I can learn from them; however, when all someone can say about the candidate they don't like is a string of insults, they have a pretty weak argument.  I want to know what they think about their favorite candidate. Particularly if it's backed up by actual knowledge and fact rather than popular opinion or what NBC or FoxNews puts out there.  I begin to lose respect for people who slam the opposing side, but when asked if they watched ALL the debates or ALL the conventions or ALL the speeches simply reply with "Hell no!" or "Are you kidding?!"  No, I'm not kidding.  How can you make any kind of decision if you don't know as much as you can?  Negativity can be easily said about all candidates. Know why?  Because they are human beings and are prone to screwing up from time to time.  Some screw ups are more extreme than others, but the point is there is not now, nor has there ever been, a perfect person who has run for any political office.  Inevitably, there is going to be a creative rearranging of facts or a quote taken out of context that will be used against candidates by their opponents.  It happens. All. The. Time.  Is this new to anyone?

Oh and before anyone goes and believes anything you see plastered all over Facebook and Twitter, do yourself a favor and fact check - there are people out there whose sole responsibility is to research the facts candidates throw out there about whatever talking points they have for whatever reason.  Especially fact check the person you support if for no other reason than to make sure your argument you have when you support him or her is correct.

I think there is only one group of people who irritate me more than those who are so blind to ideas that are different than theirs. It's the people who say, "Why bother voting because I don't like either of these *insert colorful adjective of choice here*?"  Or suggesting that their vote doesn't count.  Here is where these folks have a tremendous opportunity.  Learn about the candidates. Not just the Red Team or the Blue Team, but ALL the "teams".  Have you checked out Gary Johnson or Jill Stein?  Some might say that voting for one of them will take a vote away from *fill in the blank person you want to see win* so they should stick with choosing "the lesser of two evils".  Are you effing kidding me?  No, a vote for someone is a vote FOR them. Not a vote against someone else. There is a difference.  Furthermore, have these peeps heard of Congress?  The reason why there can be gridlock when it comes to a president getting laws passed or changed is because Congress blocks it because they don't agree.  And vice versa.  So you might be afraid that your person you love won't get to change his or her address to 1600 Pennsylvania Ave.?  Learn about the Congress men and women you are also voting for.  There are 469 seats (34 Senate and all 435 House) open for re-election this year.  Do you know who will be on your ballot?  Find it out and take that knowledge with you to the polls in November.  Are you picking up on my theme of learning yet?

I have a special little something for those eligible to vote, yet choose not to for whatever (in my opinion, inexcusable) reason:  I am a firm believer of choice when you have one; it is is your right to choose whether or not to stand in line and vote. However, you then forfeit your right to say one damn thing about the status of our country or the policies that happen in the next four years or that you can't believe so and so was selected for the Supreme Court.  Not one friggin' thing. You can't have it both ways.  At the very least, I sure as hell won't listen to you bitch and moan.

So before I get down off my soapbox, I would like to say that if anyone wants to know who I plan on voting for for president - I have firmly decided who it is and have reasons to back my choice - ask me.  I will happily tell you.  But I invite you to read the blog post I quoted recently and ask that you disagree (or agree) with me like a grown up.  You start to become visceral and I will walk away from you.  You want to debate with me like an informed and intelligent adult, I welcome that.  The bottom line is: 

Let's Talk. Ending the Stigma.

As part of Mental Health Awareness month, I have been trying to post something (usually many somethings) on Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram to help bring awareness to at least the small community of people I know - or who follow me.  During these last few weeks, I have had several people reach out to me thanking me for my posts, sharing their own stories, or simply giving me love.  To those, I say thank you.  The biggest reason I want to flood my social media forums with so much information is because I'm really tired of the stigma that is associated with mental health.  No one wants to talk about it.  And my question is: Why aren't we talking about it?  I think I know the answer: there is a stigma, but what does it look like?

Allow me to shed some light.

Stigma is.....

- Having a boss who, when you have a breakdown at work, sits as far away from you as possible and asks why you never shared this with her because sometimes she "feels out of it too" and "gets bummed".

- Having co-workers who will send "Get Well!" cards to people who had out-patient surgery, but not to you when you spend a week in the Behavioral Health Unit.  Actually, it's having no one from your job "community" check in on you in any way.

- Having a boss who, when you go to collect your things from the job you can no longer work at because it's a trigger, comes no closer to you than the door frame.

- Having the same boss get a frightened look on her face when you ask to borrow a pair of scissors.

- Having former co-workers go around telling people that you "went nuts" and are "crazy" because you "flipped out for no reason" at work.

- Hearing people misuse the term "bipolar" to you when talking about someone whose mood changes.

- When someone asks if I've tried "just not thinking about it".

- When people suggest that someone is "schizo" because they are joking about having more than one personality.

- When people ask: "So it's ok for you to be around kids for your job?"

- When people ask: "Well, if there is no test for it, then how do know you really have it?"

- When people ask: "What about your daughter? Are you ever like that in front of her?"

- When people suggest that I might freak out at any time.

- When I'm not allowed to get pissed off or angry because I'm having an "episode".

I could keep going, but I think/hope you get the idea.  No wonder why people who have mental illness don't want to talk. Why would they?  When someone says that there is an issue with their mental health, it is automatically assumed that they can't be trusted or are unstable or unsafe to be around.  Yes, there are some who will accept them, but it's not a given.  It also doesn't help when bad news is reported and the person who is guilty is said to have been suffering from a mental illness, thus associating mental health with negativity.  Just like any other illness, when managed, a person can live a very healthy and productive life.

What I would love is for mental health and screenings to be as frequently talked about as getting tested for AIDS or checking for lumps in your breasts or testicles.  I would love it if friends and loved ones were as quick to suggest getting a check up for mental health symptoms like they would be about a cough or pain that hasn't gone away in a month or two.  Mental health has stages just like any other illness.  You wouldn't wait until you or a loved one displayed symptoms of a disease at stages 3 or 4, so why does it have to be that way for mental health?

Do you want to know what you can do?  It's simple really.  If you are in a conversation with someone and they make an unkind comment about mental health, correct them the same way you would if they had said AIDS is the "gay disease" or anything else that is false.  If you know and love someone who just doesn't seem like themselves, ask them if they are feeling ok and have seen a doctor.  Go with them if they are afraid or need help.  If you know someone who has an illness, be a support system for them. Don't know how to do that? There are TONS of resources online - NAMI or Bring Change 2 Mind are two good ones to check out.  Don't know about a specific mental illness? Google it and read up on it so you can be informed.  There are a ton - anything that causes the brain to function differently is a mental health condition; some are more serious than others.  Just like any other illness or disease.  I have been posting a ton of information on my Facebook - repost it.  Everyone is quick to change their profile pics or covers for national pride or AIDS awareness or any other cause, why not this?  Mental Health Awareness Month is only for the month of May - think you could change your profile pic and/or cover for the next two weeks?  Help start the conversation.  Help stop the stigma.

I'm a majestic unicorn

As a mental health patient, I need to see both a therapist and a psychiatrist regularly in order to maintain good mental health - much in the same way diabetics or heart patients needs to see their specialists.  Well, I went to see my psychiatrist today and discovered that I am quite the unique individual.

So, I mentioned to her that I picked up this book about bipolar 2 disorder so that I may continue to expand my knowledge and know how to manage my symptoms.  What pissed me off, and I shared this with her, was that the hypomania addressed in the book was specific to that of elation and euphoria.  Well, kids, I can tell you that is not the only kind of hypomania.  I wish I was "blessed" in that way, but I'm not.  Wanna know what happens to me? Do ya, do ya?

When I have a hypomanic episode, I become aggressive and irritated and angry.  Not the kind of irritated you get when you're headed to the grocery store and you left your list at home.  I'm talking the kind of irritated that makes you yell and scream at those you love because you have zero patience.     For my anger - you know how some people say they have a "short fuse" for a temper?  For me, in a hypomanic state, that fuse isn't short.  It's nonexistent.  It means that when my daughter asks me a simple question, I will reply by yelling, using inappropriate language, and sometimes telling her to go away and leave me alone.  I don't want to say more because I don't need social services coming to my home.  Now for my aggression, fortunately, it hasn't escalated to physical violence yet, but I can feel it under the surface.  Right now, all I've done is a door slam or throwing a small object across the room.  If I ever get off the meds that control my mood....I can easily see myself getting thisclose to pulling a Teresa and flipping a table.  Literally.  Or worse.

I asked my doctor about support groups, which are out there, but they will usually address topics universally and, in the case of hypomania, it will be focused on the euphoria.  So I'm pretty much SOL.  In response to this, I told her that if anything came across her desk in the way of support groups for the rare ones like me, or if a doctor wanted to "study" me to get more information and learn more, I'm all for it.  Not only do I want help for myself, but it's super important to me for there to be help for others.  I know what it's like to not have it, and it sucks.  Having the right kind of help can make the difference between life and death.  Literally.

2015 > 2014

For me, 2014 started off not so great.  I was in denial, though, since the year started with my birthday month and I kind of look at that as my "New Year," plus it's hard for me to be negative when it's my personal holiday.  As the year went on, it sucked more and more.  Some of the biggest life challenges I have ever had took place in the first half of the year.  Things started turning around after that, and the year ended much better than it started, but I have "2015" thoughts moving forward:

2 things I learned this past year:

1) One of the most important and effective things to gaining and maintaining positivity is to live in the moment and enjoy what is in front of you.  The past is gone and you can only plan so much for the future.  Anyone who knows me is aware of my OCD when it comes to planning things out and knowing my options; that lovely quality will never cease, but instead of ignoring and missing out on the wonderful people, moments, and accomplishments in front of me, I am making the conscious decision to enjoy them when they are right in front of me.

2) Just when I thought I had a hold on what I knew, I was wrong.  I thought I knew what mental illness I had.  I thought I would never find a job in this area that I loved as much as the one I left in NC.  I thought my marriage was always going to be the cliché.  I thought I had lost certain important people in my life.  I thought I wouldn't find people I could think of as good friends like the ones I left behind when I moved.  I thought I was a selfish bitch.  I thought I wouldn't feel happy about my body.  I thought I was always going to be about 20-30% shy of complete happiness.  I was wrong about all of them.

0 in on one thing to improve this upcoming year:

I would like to focus this year on our family budget.  I'm the one who will open up the spreadsheet and calculate the month's bills to see what's happening with our money. There are always months where we feel like ballers and months when we think we may have to select which cardboard box we'll move to.  I'm tired of that shit.  I see all these things out there, from people I personally know, about how they saved X amount or payed down X amount of debt.  I want that to be me.

1 thing I hope to learn:

I hope to continue to learn more about myself as a person.  The older I get, the more I recognize qualities about myself, many of which I like.

5 things that give me hope for the new year:

1) Love
2) Knowledge
3) Friendship
4) Faith
5) Inner Strength

Boo ya, bitches!

Put the damn fork down!

Wow!  Has it really been since January that I've posted a blog?!?  What can I say, I'm busy... With teaching and taking care of CSC and having a long-distance marriage and trying to sell a house and trying to find a job and everything else in between, the last thing I had time for was to update my blog.  Quite frankly, there wasn't anything to update.  In my head, I had only slacked off minimally with my paleo lifestyle, but the truth was beginning to stare me in the face as I was trying to button pants that were loose not too long ago.  Not to mention that my face has puffed up again, and those lovely back fat rolls have popped back up....gotta love those.  What the hell!  How did this happen? AGAIN!

Let's review:

I started doing paleo with Dr. Schafer and it worked really well.  It was tough at first, but after a while it became easier to do.  I was losing weight, but even better, I FELT better and looked better.  I honestly don't care what the scale says since I base everything off of how my clothes fit and how I look in the mirror.  Well, all it took was for my visits to run out and Christmas to come and off the wagon I fell again. (Why do I bother trying to get on a wagon when I keep falling off?)

I should have known something was up when people stopped complementing me on how great I looked, how much weight I'd lost, etc.  I also could have put the friggin' donut down, but there's no sense in dwelling in the past.  Oh wait, the past is hanging out in the form of FAT ON MY ASS!

It's funny because you always think that your good friends will tell you to put the damn fork down, right, but here's the deal.  They love you too much to hurt your feelings.  I thought about it by putting myself in my friends' shoes: I figured that they already assumed that I saw for myself what was happening and didn't need someone else reminding me by shoving it in my face.  I know that there's not a person on the planet who I'd say, "Hey there, think maybe you should put that fork down since your ass barely fits on the chair?" or perhaps "Do you honestly think you need that donut/piece of cake/extra slice of pizza/3rd trip to the buffet?" Granted, not many are as blunt as I am, but I'm sure you can think of a variation that is kinder, but still gets the meaning across.

So when did reality hit you, Aimee?

It happened over Easter weekend, actually.  I was at my parents' Delaware Mansion when I decided to step on my mom's scale.  I don't have one in my house and the Wii is in DC with The Husband, so there went any source of weight gain knowledge I had.  Imagine my reaction when I stepped on the scale and saw I was almost the weight I was 2 WEEKS AFTER BIRTHING MY DAUGHTER!  What.The.Fuck.  I was expecting a gain, but not this.  I went to the living room and just sat on the couch staring into space in utter depression.  Of course, my mom came over and asked what was wrong, and the tears start rolling.  I didn't want to waste my youth being "the fat mom who let herself go".  What kind of a role model is that for my daughter?  My well-meaning mom said all the right/wrong things that kept me crying because I already knew them.  "You need to buckle down." "You have to really want it and commit to losing weight." "You've done it before, you can do it again."  It's not that I DON'T want to lose weight, or that I DON'T want to put forth any effort.  It's so damn frustrating when it seems like it takes not time at all to put on the weight and it takes FOREVER to take it off.  It's not very motivating when my effort yields little results.  This is the reason why I occasionally turn to the "lose weight quick" diets to jump start me.  When I see that I drop weight pretty well, it keeps me going to want to maintain it.

Since I'm a Pinterest addict (who isn't really), I try to look for all sorts of pins for my "Thinspiration" board, and I stumbled across one that gave me some great resources for starting over.  I know the paleo thing works, but I have to be honest, it'll work better when TH and I are back under one roof doing it together.  When I have to try to cook something for just me and CSC, it usually boils down to me just feeding her something super simple, but I'm honestly not hungry enough to cook myself dinner.  I'll just have a bowl of cereal or something.  I decided to start using the FREE app "Lose it"

"Lose It" app

to start counting my calories.  It worked for the chick in the blog, and she lost the same amount I'm hoping to lose. (Right now I'm her "before" pic) I've been using it since the day before Easter, and I've lost 5 lbs. so far! I fully accept that it could very much be water weight, but I don't care. The bottom line is it's weight that isn't on my body anymore and there's more to come off. What I like about it is that you can scan the bar code of whatever food you are eating - whether or not it's name brand or store brand - and it'll tell you how many calories it is for the serving since.  Don't get me wrong, I still like WW tracking app, but unless it's a name brand, the scanner doesn't recognize the food.  I keep my WW subscription because they do have great resources, especially for recipes.

That's my update for now.  My next step is to start making exercise a routine, but first I need to make sure this new food tracking stays a routine.  I think it's 21 days before something becomes habit?  I may start adding exercise before then, but it's easy for me to say that considering I'm on my spring break this week.  Stay tuned!

WebMD = Cancer Diagnosis

Many years ago, in my early 20s, I spent a good deal of time googling different symptoms I thought I had on WebMD learning that the end result always led to some horrible, incurable disease.  Granted, I was also diagnosed shortly after that with Anxiety/Depression Disorder and was introduced to the lovely world of SSRIs.  Since then, I have avoided going onto WebMD because of how they make a simple cold seem like early stages of pancreatic cancer.

Well, as I've said several times in recent posts, I have been seeing a nutritionist who has introduced me to the paleo diet and helped me lose weight at a reasonable and steady pace.  I feel healthier and feel lighter.  This desire to be healthier, not just for me, but also for my beautiful daughter, sent me on a trek to see a general physician and get a physical....something I hadn't done in years.  At the first visit, I asked her about this bump I'd had in my wrist.  It was determined to be a ganglion cyst which was easily drained at the orthopedic doctor's office for a simple $50 copay. (Have I mentioned before that I HATE insurance companies?)  My doctor (really Nurse Practitioner, but who cares) told me to get some blood work done prior to the actual physical.  No prob, Bob.

I had the blood work done by what has got to be the worst phlebotomist EVER and found out the results at my actual physical appointment earlier this week.  Kidneys?  Good. Liver? Doing its job.  White and Red Blood Cells? Looking great. Cholesterol? Much higher than it should be, but will probably (hopefully) get to normal over the next few months with more weight loss and healthy eating.  Vitamin D? In the toilet.  The desired range for a healthy amount of Vitamin D is between 30 and 100.  My level? 19.3  The doctor tells me that this may be the cause of why I've been so tired - more so than just simply having a 3 yr old to run after and being a teacher and temporary single mom - and....wait for it....why it may be so hard for me to lose weight.  *insert heavenly choir of angels for the 'a-ha' moment I experienced*  She prescribed me a C R A Z Y amount of Vitamin D to take over the next few months before I have another blood draw to check the cholesterol and the Vitamin D levels.

Granted it took me a few days, but since it's unavoidable for me to *not* google anything I need to know more about, I naturally searched "vitamin D deficiency".  Tons of links popped up and I chose what looked to be the more reputable ones - those coming from either hospitals or well-know medical source sites.  And of course, what should pop up?  WebMD.  Dare I go there after my experience years ago with googling symptoms and ailments?  I have been there since and not had horrible experiences, so why not?  So here's what I learned:

"If you shun the sun [nope because I have a fabulous tan], suffer from milk allergies [wrong again], or adhere to a strict vegetarian diet [I like meat, so, no], you may be at risk for vitamin D deficiency."

Ok, so how the hell could this have happened?  I read on...

"Vitamin D is essential for strong bones because it helps the body use calcium from the diet. Traditionally, vitamin D deficiency has been associated with rickets, a disease in which the bone tissue doesn't properly mineralize, leading to soft bones and skeletal deformities. But increasingly, research is revealing the importance of vitamin D in protecting against a host of health problems."

Great!  Bring on the "host of health problems" in the first two paragraphs.  What the hell is rickets?  And Lord knows I sure as hell don't want osteoporosis in my later years, for which rickets seems to be the precursor.  The article on WebMD continues on with what could happen with continued Vitamin D deficiency...

• Increased risk of death from cardiovascular disease (Awesome)
• Cognitive impairment in older adults (And I thought preggo brain was bad)
• Severe asthma in children (Never so glad I was an adult)

And, wait for it.....

• Cancer

There it is!  The inevitable cancer diagnosis popular with WebMD searches.  It also goes on to say that proper levels of the vitamin can prevent types 1 and 2 diabetes, hypertension (is that what happened to me when I was preggo with CSC?), and MS.  So again, I'm perplexed as to how I could have come across this problem with the oh-so-important D Vitamin. I read further....

Vitamin D deficiency can occur for a number of reasons:

You don't consume the recommended levels of the vitamin over time. 
Possible, but seeing the list of foods that contain Vitamin D, I'm fairly certain the problem lies elsewhere.

Your exposure to sunlight is limited. 
Again, I reference exhibit A - my awesome summer tan

You have dark skin. 
Unless I'm tan, I'm pretty pale for an Italian girl, so another miss

Your kidneys cannot convert vitamin D to its active form. 
Lab results said kidneys were earning their keep in my body, so try again WebMD

Your digestive tract cannot adequately absorb vitamin D. 
It mentioned Crohns disease, celiac, and cystic fibrosis here, none of which I have, so I'm beginning to think I'm a medical marvel at this point.

You are obese.
 A HA!  There it is....I'm a fat ass with the BMI required to be a member of this club. 

So I do the next natural thing and begin to read about treatment for this deficiency.  Lose weight and get to a healthy BMI.  Working on it.  Take a ridiculously large amount of Vitamin D. Script has been written and awaiting pick-up from the pharmacy.

In my continued journey towards good health, and ultimately MILF-hood, I will start taking the supplement and hopefully bring my levels back outside of the cancer danger zone.  And in true WebMD fashion, at the end of all the "helpful" information and simple treatments, they don't fail to remind me that without the necessary Vitamin D, cancer is in my future.  I guess I need to tan more....oh wait, that causes skin cancer.  I guess I'm screwed either way.  I need some Chardonnay.

Jillian Michaels kicked my ass

Since I have been having so much success with the paelo diet - down 7 lbs so far in 1 month - and the bouts of exercise I've been getting in make me feel better, I decided it was time to step it up.  I bought the Jillian Michaels 30 Day Shred DVD since I know she can give results.

Since returning from Delaware (that's where I made my purchase) I've been looking at the still-wrapped DVD sitting next to the TV.  In all fairness, I did have a busy couple of days as soon as I got back to NC, but I could almost hear Jillian's voice from the DVD saying, "Get up fattie so I can kick your ass!"  I really want to be at a healthy weight and have the energy I know I can.  I'm only 34 for pete's sake!

Now, mama didn't raise no fool.  I know Jillian is tough and her workouts are no joke, but I also figured I had 20 minutes a day to complete one of her 3-2-1 cycles.  After spending most of the day being extremely lazy blaming it on the blah weather and the fact that I've been running around the like a chicken with its head cut off, I decided it was high time I took the cellophane off the case and see what Jillian had up her sleeve for me.  I go and change out of my summer uniform sundress and put on my exercise clothes.  I come back to the living room where my daughter pauses briefly from playing on my iPad to ask me what I'm about to do.  I tell her, "Mommy's going to exercise."  "Exercise?" she asks.  "I want to exercise too!"  I figure, why not, she'll be my workout buddy.  I pop in the DVD and I'm we're ready to go.  CSC has even gone to her room and put her sneakers on, too.

Jillian starts off the DVD calmly explaining that the 30 day shred is going to help me achieve all - around health and to consider her my personal trainer.  Oh goodie...she's made people on The Biggest Loser cry.  She goes on to tell me that this DVD is all about pushing myself if I want to see results. Ok, Jillian, I got you....let the torture shred begin....

I should have known after I completed the warm up and was slightly winded that I was in a little over my head.  The calm "you can do it" Jillian was gone and replaced with drill sergeant "Don't you effing think about wanting a break, bitch!"  I have to admit it was cute watching CSC do her version of the exercises and repeating after me when I said under my breath "Oh God, I'm going to die." or "I wanna barf."  We finished the first circuit and just when I was thinking, "Thank you Jesus, I survived!"  That bitch Jillian was up and running again telling me it was time to do the circuit again.  It was at that point that I had to stop.  Her workout is no joke, and I was so not ready for it.  Part of me feels defeated because I had to stop, but another part of me, the part that would have been puking her brains out in the toilet had I not stopped when I did, figured it was a good start and something I'll be working towards. I've seen the before and after pics online of people who have done the 30DS and they look amazing.  I want that.  But I also realize that while I am all about wanting to shock my system so that I see some change, I'm not interested in dying in the process.

I'll be going back to my abuser Jillian tomorrow, and hopefully I'll make it to the end of the workout.  If I do, great.  If not, I tried.  At least it's a start.

I'm still here...I promise!

I can't believe how long it's been since I posted a blog!  Man, I'm behind!  The last weight loss blog I posted was when I was going to try Body by Vi.  I tried it, and I'm apparently the ONLY person who does not achieve desired results.  Figures....  I ended up gaining weight instead of losing.  WRONG DIRECTION! As much as I loved making the different shakes (which were very tasty BTW) and the convenience of them, I did not, however, enjoy the extra 5 lbs. it added to my ass.  So I decided my body and metabolism needed a good jump start.

After much thought, I realized that even if the shakes had worked, I did not want to spend the rest of my life relying on protein shakes for fear that stopping them would result in gaining all my weight back.  I know I have mentioned several friends who have gone to weight loss clinics and had great results, so I decided to look into one.  I found MD Wellness & Weight Management.  After talking for a long while with the front desk nurse, and talking to my mom about wanting something different that would "shock" my body out of its routine, I decided to make an appointment to see the doctor.  I wasn't sure what to expect as far as what he'd say I could and couldn't eat, but I knew that I was glad to be able to see a licensed physician who specialized in nutrition and weight loss.

After meeting Dr. Schaffer for the first consultation, I really felt that he would do as he said and treat me holistically - not just focus on what I was eating or how I was exercising, but also take into consideration my lifestyle as a teacher and temporary single mom with a long-distance husband.  He introduced me to the Paleo Diet, although he did not label it that.  I was taught that the body processes sugars and carbs the same way and when overloaded with sugar, the body's attempt at thwarting diabetes is to do something, anything, with the extra sugar.  That anything is storing it as fat when all other options have been exhausted.  If the body isn't using the sugar for energy, it needs to go somewhere, so into the fat cells it goes.  After hearing the list of what I could eat (all the fruits, veggies, and leafy greens I wanted) and what I couldn't (bread, pasta, soda, anything artificial) I felt overwhelmed, but excited.  Hey, I got to shop at Whole Foods where all the healthy people go!

My first trip to Whole Foods was an experience.  I felt so out of my element!  Everything was organic - something I poo-pooed previously, but now had to gravitate towards per Dr. Schaffer's orders - and there were foods I'd never even seen before!  Despite feeling the intimidation from the clog wearing, vegetarian, Rusted Root listening, yoga attendees who came shopping complete with their reusable, Earth-friendly shopping bags, I managed to get a stockpile of approved foods to start my diet.

I was excited to go back 2 weeks later for my weigh in to see how dramatically my body was changing.  Imagine my surprise when I only lost a fraction of a pound!  WTF!  I thought it was supposed to melt away!  Not that Dr. Schaffer gave me any impression that would happen, but I was looking to shock my body, and instead my body was lightly shaken.  Since The Husband and I would be going on a cruise (aka "floating all you can eat buffet") for our anniversary this year, you can imagine how freaked out I was.  I had no clue how I was going to follow the paleo diet while on a cruise.  I wanted to enjoy myself, not freak out about what I could and couldn't eat.  Dr. Schaffer gave me some tips and reminded me that this diet was really a lifestyle change that isn't easy at first.  He reminded me what to avoid, but said I could treat myself modestly when it came to the "do not eat" foods.

Well, we went on the cruise, and I did my fair share of drinking the daily cocktails offered and taking advantage of the great food on the boat.  I ate more than what I probably should have of the "taboo" foods, but TH and I went to the gym the first morning, snorkeled while at Bermuda, did a great deal of walking since the ship was HUGEMONGUS!, took the stairs when we only had a few flights to go, and danced our asses off every night at da club.  I thought for sure I'd come back at least 5 lbs. heavier than before I went, so you can bet I just about passed out when I weighed in and found out I HAD LOST 4 WHOLE POUNDS!!  Even though I had great results, I was expecting Dr. Schaffer to admonish me for not sticking strictly to my paleo diet, but instead he said my actions were fine.  He reiterated that this lifestyle change should not create headaches and not be fun, but rather be more of a challenge to eat healthy foods.  He said the most important idea I was learning was remembering and acknowledging how my body processed foods I eat.  Imagining I'm eating a bowl of sugar when eating a roll definitely helps to avoid it.

Well, I'm back from the annual Delaware 4th of July Bruhaha, and I did not have to wear a muu muu on the beach.  I wasn't rocking the bikini, but good things come to those who work their asses off, and I fully intend to do just that with this lifestyle change.

Desperate times call for desperate measures....sort of

Spring is in the air.  Birds are chirping.  Flowers are blooming.  My car is coated in a yellowish-green film every morning.  The days are longer.  The school year is almost over, and you know what that means...Summer 2012 is on the horizon and with it the dreaded bathing suit season. (insert horror movie music here) I've been attempting WW since last summer.  Some weeks I'm really good and log my points and watch what I eat, blah blah blah.  And then there are others where the ice cream finds it way back into my freezer and ordering pizza or stopping by Chick-fil-A is just so much easier than cooking dinner for CSC and myself.  But the repercussion is no steady weight loss for a while, and the summer is approaching fast.  I'm tired of looking at photos from the summer months and thinking "Holy shit!  Put the damn fork down you hippo bitch!"

I've been thinking for a while that all I really want/need is a good kick start so that I can see and feel some results and be motivated rather than feel defeated.  Not that I don't like WW; on the contrary, I love it and think it's an amazing program, but let's be honest here, I'm not following it at all.  A friend of mine recommended a weight loss clinic place that gives you a shot (ouch) and some appetite suppressant pills (hello anorexia) and you lose a shit ton of weight in like no time.  I thought about it, especially since she's had really good results, but it's not in a convenient location, and I'm not too thrilled about the idea of getting a shot on a regular basis.

Just when I was starting to do my annual count down to Delaware Mansion Fourth of July Extravaganza and attempt to convince myself there was plenty of time to lose the weight and fit into size 6-8 clothes by then, I spoke to a friend a few weeks ago about her weight loss I kept seeing her post about on Facebook.  She told me she stared this program, Body by Vi, that used meal replacement shakes.  She gave me the website and I checked it out.  One of the things that she mentioned that kept me listening was the fact that she saved money on groceries since she was buying less food.  Her husband is often away in the evenings, so she finds herself in the same position I do - it's dinner time and you are cooking for yourself and a finicky toddler and cooking a meal is a butt pain.  

I was still feeling a little skeptical until she showed me her before and after pics after only a month using the shakes.  Holy difference, Batman!  It was insane!  That night I went online and ordered the Shape Kit.  It's the 90 Day Challenge and that's perfect timing for the summer.  I figure, even if I only go down 1 size, it'll still be worth it because seeing the results will be motivating.  The shakes and information came today, and I can't wait to go through them.  I know I need to do a before pic and take some measurements and whatnot, so I'll do that in the next day or so and get that tracking started.  Wish me luck!

So, it's true what "they" say. Kind of...

I'd heard this little tidbit of info years ago about the proper ways to weigh yourself.  You should weigh yourself at the same time of day, on the same scale, wearing the same clothes, on the same day of the week.  I guess all of these factor into accurate weight measuring.  Makes sense - you want to have the most consistent results as possible.

We were able to visit my parents' house in Delaware this weekend when CSC and I went up to visit The Husband.  It's always nice to get to see my parents, and I am really looking forward to the time when we live much closer to them and can see them more often when we do - especially when it's near tax free shopping!  We went out to brunch Sunday morning and I forgot to weigh myself before we left.  I like to weigh myself before I've eaten anything - it's how I have always done it.  It think it's a superstition at this point.  Anyways, I ended up getting on the scale later that afternoon and was very upset to see the number on the scale read what it did.  It said I'd not only gained, but was very close to my starting weight.  WTF!  I got upset, and was getting discouraged.  Being in the house that we go to every year for July 4th and thinking of wearing bathing suits and skimpier clothing than sweaters and Uggs made me think back to the blog entry last summer after that annual trip to Delaware.  In that entry I reflect on my desire to lose all this weight that makes me unhappy and I even take a picture to visually document my starting point. Since then, it's been a struggle, for which I have no one to blame but myself.  I haven't lost the amount of weight I'd have liked, but I've still lost. And there's still time to lose a considerable amount by summer.

Be all that as it may, I decided to hop on the good ole Wii tonight after CSC went to bed to see if the number was still the same.  Totally expecting my weight to have gone up, imagine my surprise when not only had it NOT gone up, but I'd lost some weight since the last weigh in last Sunday!  Whoo hoo!

Current Stats:

Current weight: 181.4 lbs.

Loss/Gain: - 3.1 lbs.

Total loss to date: 9.4 lbs.

I don't feel as discouraged, and I plan on keeping it up.  I do NOT want to wear a mu mu this Summer!

Singleton, Weight Gain, and The Secret

Ok, so I have a much greater appreciation for the single mom.  Not that I didn't before, but since living the lifestyle for a few months since The Husband went to DC for his new job, all I can say is, it ain't no joke parenting on your own.  Granted, we do try and see each other, but it's not as frequently as either of us would like.  Eventually, we'll be reunited under one roof again and that's the thought I hold on to.

As for my weight...HA!  It's been fluctuating the same 5 lbs for a few weeks now.  I hopped on the scale this morning hoping to see that I had lost since we took the middle school to the land lab this week and the amount of calories burned is crazy.  What's always funny is the amount of food you eat because you're burning all those calories, especially on the last day when you have been busting your ass for a week outside and are tired and you have to pack up all the gear and leave.  I thought for sure the 3 consecutive creek walks I did on Friday would have counted for something, but sadly, no.  I didn't weigh in last weekend because we were traveling back from DC and I always weigh in the morning on Sundays.  I didn't want the weigh-in to be inaccurate.

Here's this week:

Weigh in: 184.5 lbs.

Loss/Gain: + 2 lbs.

Total loss since start: -6.3

I was watching this info-mercial about Zumba this morning while I was getting CSC's breakfast together.  I've tried Zumba before and liked it - in a masochistic sort of way.  All of my g/f who do it love it and are in great shape, so perhaps the torture exercise is beneficial.  I have to do something and soon before I find my self on the show My 600 lb Life.

In other news, I watched the documentary The Secret last night because I'd always been curious about the hype surrounding the book.  I heard it basically talked about the power of positive thinking, but it was so much more than that.  This concept deals with the law of attraction and how "like attracts like".  I'm simplifying it, but it was really cool to hear the connection to science and theology.  As a matter of fact, religion and science are more connected than one would think.  Rather than do The Secret injustice with an infantile explanation, I suggest you view the documentary and/or read the book.  You honestly have nothing to lose.  Except your negative attitude. ;)

Ahh, redemption

Back in the saddle the past week, determined to knock the shit out of the holiday weight residing on my midsection and ass.  I made sure I ate right and portion controlled my meals.  I did a little something active every day - even if it was just parking in a spot that was further away from my destination.  All in all, I felt good about this week.

And the proof is on the scale:

Weigh in: 181.7 lbs

Weight change: -6.4 lbs

Total loss: - 9.1 lbs

I had a lunch date with my daughter today, after our morning at the park, at Denny's and they have this fantastic new sandwhich: Chicken Avocado Sandwich - very yummy!  Even for Denny's. 

Time to face the music

 I knew it was coming.  It happens every year.  The dreaded holiday weight gain.  Each year, I lie to myself and say: "Surely this year will be different.  I will simply watch what I eat, avoid alcohol, and not gorge myself with desserts.  I'll even go to the gym with my mom, or walk around the block."  You can feel free to start laughing now.  I didn't even pack sneakers for this trip. Who was I fooling.

At one point, while at my parents', I stepped on my mom's scale, and it said I'd gained 4 lbs.  Ha!  There must be something wrong with this scale.  Or maybe it's true what "they" say about scales and how they are all different and if you don't weigh in on the same scale, your weight won't be accurate. Or maybe I'm just a fat ass who started eating the minute the plane touched down in NJ, and didn't stop.  Yup...that's it.

So I convinced myself of the "different scales make you weigh differently" lie, and figured I'd "watch what I ate" and weigh myself on the Wii at home. Several hundred cookies and glasses of wine later - sometimes consumed simultaneously...don't judge! - it's time for me to fly back to NC.  I think, "I have some time before I have to hop on that scale, so I'll be careful not to eat too much and hopefully I won't have gained that much."  You can feel free to start laughing now...that is if you haven't stopped yet from my previous idiotic statements.

New Years Eve comes up and me and the BFF decide to make it a girls-only celebration.  I have the supplies to make carmel apple martinis, and I got some munchies from the grocery store, so we were all set.  Let's just say we had an awesome time...at least that's my assumption after reading my tweets I sent last night.  Needless to say, there's no more sour apple pucker left, hardly any butterscotch schnapps, and the vodka is almost gone as well.  My liver was like WTF.

Today is the day. It's the start of 2012. Time for new beginnings and opportunities.  Oh, and time for my fat ass to finally get on the scale and face the truth.

The moment comes:

Weigh in: 188.1 lbs.

Change since last weigh in: + 8.9 lbs.

Total loss since start: -2.7 lbs.

FUCK MY LIFE

In a matter of 2 weeks, I managed to destroy pretty much all the progress I made.  Now, like the new year, I have to start over.  Again.  Rather than kill myself over it, I'm going to remember my "resolution" to be active in some way every day.  Today, it will be doing some crunches to work on getting my ab muscles back where they should be so my back hurts less.  I started back to logging what I eat on WW again.  I pay for it, I should probably actually use it.

What's that cliche about getting back on when you fall off the horse?  That's what I'm going to do.  I can be the weight that makes me happy and healthy.  I can be in control of my eating rather than have it be in control of me.  I can become the MILF I know is screaming to be let out of this chunky mom body I'm currently sporting. Besides, I really want my wardrobe to consist of all the cute outfits I've pinned on my Pintrest. 

I'm not the friggin' Buddah

So apparently I'm in "vacation mode" or I have a tape worm.  Either way, I cannot stop eating.  It's pretty bad.  Last night we had hot dogs and hamburgers for dinner.  An hour and a half after dinner was done, I felt the need to eat a couple cookies, another cheese burger, AND some cashews.  And I was STILL hungry!  WTF!  Am I the very hungry caterpillar or something???

At any rate, what was really disturbing was last night, I was blowing my nose because I have been "fighting" a cold for what feels like forever, and the cold has apparently won since I can't go very far without needing to either hack up a lung or blow half my brains out into a tissue.  At any rate, I feel like shit; not even NyQuil has helped.  Be that as it may, I'm there trying to blow my nose - did I mention my back has been hurting, on top of everything else, because the mattress that I have been sleeping on at my parents' is akin to sleeping on concrete - standing in such a way as to alleviate my back pain and my mother starts rubbing my belly.  Like what you do when you are trying to piss off a pregnant woman or when you see the Buddah.

Me: What the hell are you doing?!

Mom: Rubbing your belly.

Me: Uh, why?

Mom: I'm your mother; I'm allowed.
(I didn't get the memo on that one)

Me: I'm not the friggin' Buddah, Mom.  Stop doing that.

Mom: Why?

Me: Seriously?! I'm already self-conscious about my body, you rubbing my belly isn't helping.

Mom: Oh.

Really?!!!  I have to spell that out?! I didn't like having my belly rubbed when I was pregnant, what makes her think I wanted it rubbed now, especially when I'm definitely NOT pregnant!  So I've decided this is getting ridiculous.  I have to start exercising again, but I'm going to need to do it myself so I can do it on my schedule, rather than getting a trainer again and having to schedule times to work out.  I have a Wii at home.  I have a neighborhood I can walk.  There's no excuse for me not to do something.  Plus, since my stomach muscles are shot to shit, I'm thinking that if I build those up, my back won't hurt as much.

So, I've decided for my New Year's Resolution, I will do something active every day.  I'm purposely not saying "exercise" because, to me, that implies doing something specific.  I want to start small, with a little more freedom, in order to gradually get myself back into a rhythm of exercise.  This way, if I walk the block one day, but do yoga the next, I won't feel like I'm slacking because one's "harder" than the other.  I won't feel discouraged and want to give up because I'm not doing anything.  Plus, WW has revamped their program online again, and there's a way to tailor your exercise just for you.  I'm looking forward to seeing what that has to say.

So while, in my mind, I feel like my "mom body" looks more like this:




And less like this:

There is no reason why anyone should feel like it's a good idea to rub my belly.

Feast of the Seven Pounds

So, here I am at my parents' house for the holidays in great anticipation of the infamous Italian cuisine that  is the much loved tradition in my family.  What's even better is the fact that my entire family (save 3 people) will be here!  I said in my last blog, I hope to at least maintain, but I'm just hoping not to gain a whole pant size.  There is SO much ridiculously good food when it comes to an Italian Christmas, starting with the snacking that begins a few days before Christmas Eve.

On Christmas Eve, the traditional Feast of the Seven Fishes happens.  Now, while I don't eat fish - don't like the texture - I look forward to this element of Christmas.  I love watching my mom and Nana prepare all of the dishes that I remember from my childhood.

On Christmas Day, the eating begins at breakfast and doesn't stop until you go to bed. In addition to the usual Christmas fare, there are the Italian counterparts - pasta, lasagna, stuffed peppers, sausage, meatballs, antipasta.  God, I LOVE this holiday!

And the cookies!  Oh the cookies!  There are so many cookies!  My aunt makes these cookies that are dipped in chocolate on the ends and coated in sprinkles.  I eat my weight in those every time I'm with my family for Christmas.

Again, I'm hoping to maintain my weight, but if I do gain, I just hope it's minimal.  I'd hate to have to use any of gift cards Santa will hopefully bring me for new clothes for muu muus rather than any of the cute clothes in my dream wardrobe I've pinned on my Pintrest.

I once was lost, but now I'm found...

Yeah, so about not blogging for a bit...see, what had happened was....

The Husband got a fabulous new job that he has deserved forEVER, but the sucky thing is it's in D.C. and so I've been doing the single mom thing for a little over a month now.  Eventually, we'll sell the house and move up there with him, but it won't be for a little while.  In the meantime, I have been trying to balance my job at the Montessori school and all that comes with taking care of a 2 1/2 year old and a house, oh, and myself.  I'm exhausted and give props to women who are single moms all the time.  I've missed my blog, honestly, and despite not posting, I have been keeping up with my weigh-ins.

The one from today:

Weigh in: 179.2 lbs

Gain/Loss: + .4 lbs (don't like to gain, but I'll take less than a pound!)

Total loss: - 11.6 lbs.

At one point (11/20/11) I was at a total loss of - 14.2 lbs and was so excited!  I honestly haven't been tracking my food...I know I know I should...so I know whatever loss I've had has been on accident.  And I know I should get back to tracking with the holidays coming and all the goodies and drinks that go along with it.  In my dream world, I will still lose over the holidays, but if I maintain, I'll be happy.

On a completely unrelated subject, the BFF has been nominated for a top mom blog award.  Go and click "like" to vote for her! Thanks! *Contest over...sad face*

Oops I did it again

So I didn't blog last week because I had hoped that this week would bring good news and a loss, since I gained last week.  I also figured, "Hey, I'm going to be outdoors with the kids and will be basically hiking and eating healthy all week....surely that will help my cause."  Well, I made up for that Friday night at Red Robin and yesterday at the local fair eating pure crap.  Was it worth it?  Not really.  I'm mad at myself because I had my first 10lbs down and then I take 2 steps backwards gaining 2lbs between last week and this week.  Ugh!  I didn't do myself any favors by not journaling what I ate to see exactly how over I went with points either. Time for some damage control.

Here's the current stats:

Today's weigh in: 183.6

Gain last 2 weeks: +2.8

Overall loss: - 7.2

I hit 10lbs bitches!

I guess the title of this post says it all: after what feels like FOREVER, I finally hit that beautiful 10lbs loss mark.  My weight yo-yo'ed for a bit, and quite frankly, I was afraid I wasn't going to lose this week since after Monday I had stopped journaling my food.  Not to mention that surprise trip to the Melting Pot Tuesday. At any rate, I will be back to journaling so I keep up the progress.  After you hit your initial 5% loss, WW makes you set another goal to reach.  This goal can either be the weight you hope to finally be, or another smaller goal, such as another 5%.  I chose to go with 10% because my actual goal weight is so far off, I didn't want to be discouraged.

Here's my current stats:

Weigh in: 180.6 lbs

Loss: - 1.1 lbs

Total loss: - 10.2 lbs

I should try and post an updated pic....kinda like I said I was going to do in my first post.  Overall, I am pretty satisfied with my progress so far.  I would like for it to be more consistent, and a little more each week, but I'm grateful it's a loss rather than a gain. 

I'm late as usual

Ok, so I realized last week that I was a week behind on my weight loss blog, and I figured I'd catch up on 2 in one week...oops.  So then I realized I was three two weeks behind and decided to combine all three weigh ins.  It literally shows: loss-loss-gain.  Roller coaster story of my weight loss life.  I'm so close to my first ten pounds down I can taste it...uh...I mean....yeah....

Here's the stats from the last few weeks:

8/21/11

Weigh in: 183 lbs

Loss: -.02 lbs

Total down: - 7.8 lbs

8/28/11

Weigh in: 181.4 lbs

Loss: -1.6 lbs

Total down: - 9.4 lbs

At this point, I was like "Whoo hoo!!!  next week I can celebrate my 1st ten down and get another cool star on WW.com!"  And then....

9/4/11

Weigh in: 182.8 lbs

Loss: + 1.4lbs lbs  DAMNIT!

Total down: -8.0 lbs

SO close!!!  Ugh!  The good news is I know exactly what the problem was.  See, WW's new points system give you so many points that it's very easy to abuse that and think you have more than you really do.  I like to keep my extra weekly points as "overdraft protection," if you will.  There's 40-some points for that purpose!  I stopped journaling my food intake around, oh say, Tuesday.  It was downhill.   I knew by Friday after I had a donut and a half that I'd blown my diet.  I hammered the last nail in the coffin with my dinner at Outwest.  Nothing more I could do at that point.  Needless to say, I was not shocked that I'd gained.  I was just mad at myself for being so close and then blowing it.  I'm hoping to do much better this week.

It was bound to happen eventually

So, I had my first gain this week, but I kinda knew it was coming.  I hadn't tracked what I ate for 3 days and I ate quite a bit.  The thing about WW new points system is that you have so many points to use that you take it for granted. It also wasn't like I was overeating carrots here.

At any rate, it wasn't a huge gain, so I'm not upset about it.  It was bound to happen, right?  I'm still pleased with my progress so far, and it's not like I didn't know what I did to make myself gain.

Weigh in:  183.2lbs

Difference: + .9

Total loss since start: -7.6