28 Thoughts I have when attempting to find a parking space at the grocery store

The other day I had to stop at Harris Teeter on my way home to pick up a few things we had run out of at home.  It took me about 15 solid minutes to find a parking spot.  These are a few of the things that ran through my head.

1. OMG, everyone and their mama picked this time to head to the store! Great.

2. Sure, that's fine. Just pull out in front of my car. I'm not really here.

3. Oooh, where are you headed, sir? I will stalk your ass to your spot.

4. MOTHERFUCKER!

5. Oooh...coming or going, coming or going?

6. Damnit, they pulled out the stroller.

7. Yes! A spot! Whoo hoo!

8. DAMN YOU HANDICAPPED SPOT WITHOUT A SIGN!

9. Sweet! What? "Reserved for Expectant Mothers".  I wonder if I'm chunky enough to pass as one...

10. Motherfucking small cars/motorcycles!

11. Dude! Why the fuck are you stopped in the middle of the damn lane? Seriously?

12. Oh, you're on your fucking cell phone. Get off your goddamn phone and PAY ATTENTION!

13. Finally, someone leaving!

14. Shit. They had their blinker on first.

15. I swear I have been down this aisle like 800 times.

16. This asshole is taking up two spots! Two!  I should key his fucking car.

17. Ok, lady, I have a kid too and it does NOT take THAT long to get them in and out of the car.

18. I see people leaving with groceries, but where the hell is their car? Where the fuck did they park? Narnia??

19. Lady, I swear to God if you hit my car with your cart.....

20. Ok, I'm trailing this guy to his car. This is ridiculous.

21. Yes, I am following you, and I don't give a shit how long you take, I am NOT leaving.

22. Oh, HELL no! I was here first.  Respect the blinker, bitch.

23. Oh. My. God. What the hell are you doing in your car?!?! Leave already!!

24. You know what? I will wait here all night if necessary, motherfucker.

25. That's ok. Take your sweet ass time backing your car out.

26. Don't even THINK about taking this spot. I will cut you, bitch.

27. Finally!

28. Seriously?!? Where the hell were all these open spaces before???

Pet Peeves

I've decided to create this because there is much that has pissed me off recently and I feel the need to vent.  Enjoy.

In no particular order:

1. People who do not RSVP to a party you are throwing even though you request a response.  Seriously, I don't give a shit why you can't come - just let me know not to expect you!  Or, if you are coming, let me know!  I'm planning on making food and various other creature comforts available and I certainly don't do it with the aid of a magic genie.  I think it's passive aggressive to not let a host know your plans on coming or not.

2. People who don't go immediately when the light turns green.  Really?  Are you checking the color?  There are people waiting on your slow ass to go.  It's even worse if the light is a quick one and you've already been waiting. Don't get me started on the ass clowns who are too busy on their damn cell phones to pay attention to what's going on.

3. People who claim to be your friend, but can't seem to find 5 minutes out of their precious lives to call/email/text you back.  I have a busy life too, but I make sure to do the occasional Facebook post, text, whatnot to let people I consider important know I'm thinking of them and wish them well.  If the lack of contact is due to something I've done - tell me what it is so I don't do it!  And especially don't apologize profusely and offer up lame ass reasons why you don't make any sort of effort to keep in touch.  I don't care....just keep in touch, or end the friendship so I can stop considering you important.

4. People who focus too much on what is not important and not enough on what is.  We are in the gift giving season and I am appalled - at best - at how commercialized the holidays have become.  Do we really need to decorate for Christmas at the same time has Halloween????  Don't get me wrong, I love Christmas.  It's one of my favorite holidays, but is it really necessary to bastardize it?  What are we teaching our kids about what is important this time of year?  Oh, and I don't say "Merry Christmas"...I'm a "Happy Holidays" gal.  Before you bombard me with "Jesus is the Reason for the Season" allow me to explain.  There are tons of people on this planet who do not celebrate this holiday for a sundry of reasons.  It is not even close to my place to judge why.  Beyond that, several holidays happen this time of year, so I choose to bunch them all together.  It is MY choice to do so.  It does not make me a bad Christian or forget the "Reason for the Season".  What would make me a bad Christian is judging the people who attack those who don't say "Merry Christmas".  Want to know what's important?  Being nice to people.  Helping those who are struggling.  Not judging a person's circumstance.  Doing the right thing.  Want to know what's not important?  Buying an ass-load of presents for someone because it's "that time of year" or because it makes YOU happy/feel better/etc. Things are not love or memories.

5. People who refuse to believe their child is incapable of doing anything wrong.  Unfortunately, I see this quite often.  What happened to the days when I was growing up and if I got in trouble, my mother would immediately side with the other adult?  If I hear my child has done something, you best believe that I am not automatically siding with her - quite the opposite. The world is filled with enough assholes, so why would you want to add to that population?  Often times after seeing the parents, I understand why the children act the way they do.  Children learn what they live, you fucktards.

6. People, specifically celebrities, who make the standard and expectations impossible to reach.  I recently read an article that highlighted the drastic levels magazines are going to with photoshop to, quite literally, reinvent a new person using an already pretty perfect celebrity as a base to start.  It's disgusting.  I'm not even going to comment on what it's doing to young girls who naturally hate something about their own bodies, but what about grown women who have had all their adolescence to beat themselves up only to have women in their own generation showing what's "possible" if you simply "work hard enough". Fuck you. And don't you dare try to cover it up by talking about being healthy.  There is nothing healthy about being anorexicly thin and the mental abuse it puts women - and some men - through.

7. People who are not celebrities, but rather overachievers and making the rest of us look lazy.  I've recently become addicted/obsessed with this blog in which she frequently makes mention of Over Achieving Moms or OAMs.  These are the women who always have the crafts you only see on Pinterest done perfectly.  They are the ones who always have the beautifully homemade Halloween costumes that rival what you could purchase in the store.  It's great that you have the time to do all of these wonderful things for your children, but be honest with the rest of us....you're secretly drinking your boxed wine while hiding in the closet sometimes, aren't you?

8. People who don't hold the door when either your hands are full and/or right behind them trying to walk through it.  Really?  Living in a high-rise offers lots of opportunities for such behavior to happen.  Stop being so damn rude.  And don't try to act like that half-assed door push can even qualify as a door hold.  The best is when this happens at the door to the hallway that leads to the elevators and I catch up with the douche who let the door slam in my face.  I just use the opportunity I have to stare at him like this:

9. Going off of #8: People who run you over in the metro station because they don't want to miss their train that's coming in 10 more minutes.  Good thing you made it to that section of the platform to wait for the train to arrive.  My husband has actually done the following: stood obnoxiously close to them while they are waiting for the train, given them the "look" as pictured above, followed them on the train to stand obnoxiously close to them while giving them the "look", actually said to the person "Good thing you ran for that train. There's no way you could have made it."

9b. Tourists.

10. People who take things too seriously.  Lighten up!  Why are you so consumed with pointing out "facts" about how someone else's opinion is "wrong"?  These are the same people who take offense to every.little.thing.  Some things are offensive, but not everything.  Let it go.  You waste too much time and energy being so angry towards other people.  Do yourselves a favor and go see someone about the incredibly large stick protruding from your ass.

*Side note: I am planning on a "re-tool" of my blog since there are many things I want to write about that are not necessarily connected to my desire to not be a fat ass lose weight.  I've been inspired by that commercial that asks people what they would do if they didn't need to earn money to do it.  After thinking long and hard, and realizing that drinking wine and "pinning" are not realistic, I would like to focus on writing.  I'm not sure what I will write that I would like to actually be published for the masses to read, but perhaps I'll figure it out.

No, that's not my child

Since making the first one, I'm hair bow obsessed!  I've been pinning various tutorials because I'm bound and determined to master the art of hair bow making.  So imagine the jackpot I hit when, after coming out of Bed Bath & Beyond, I saw over at Michael's a bin filled with spools of ribbon for $1 each!  I totally stocked up on the cute ones I found and had to stop myself from buying everything.

Since I needed more clippies for said hair bows, CSC and I went inside to check out what they had.  It is virtually impossible for me to just go into a store straight to what I need, get it and walk out without looking around the entire store.  Even Lowe's or Home Depot!  It's like a sickness, really.  Well, as we were going through the store, I'm sure many of the lovely shoppers knew my daughter's name since I had to call it so frequently due to her wandering tendencies of "Ooh Mommy!  Look at this!" or "I want this, Mommy."  It's times like this when I think child leashes are a God-send and wish I'd had one.

We get to where they sell the clippies and they are out of the ones I need.  Poop.  Oh well, off to pay for my shit ton of ribbon.  After the almost 10 minutes it took us to get to the line because CSC had to stop and pick up those flowers and then find a price sticker only to throw it repeatedly and then she had to pick up some wooden pieces meant for painting and ask what each one was and then she had to check out the $1 stationary bin.... I felt like that old school Bill Cosby bit where he talks about the little boy, Jeffrey, on the airplane and the mother is constantly going: "Jeffery!  Will you come here, Jeffery! Jeffrey!  JEFFREY!"  That was me with CSC.

So we're waiting in line and as we wait, CSC wants to rearrange the lollipops in the display.  Ok, fine. She's not bothering anyone...she's quiet...no worries. Then it gets to the point where we are next and I try to coax her away from the display.  She tells me she's busy....something she says quite often now when she doesn't want to do what you ask.  I tell her that when it's our turn, I'm going to go and leave her.  She says, "No, Mommy. Stay here."  I tell her I can't and then I realize it's my turn.  I say to her, "Ok, it's my turn.  I'm going.  Bye."

I turn the corner to go to the next available register when I hear it.....

NOOOOOOOO!!!!! 

Followed by the most high pitched, blood curdling scream.  It was like she was getting stabbed or something.  I'm sure the other customers were staring at me.  God only knows what they were thinking, but I honestly don't care.  I got up to the cashier and said to her "That child is not mine."  Meanwhile I was wishing a hole would open beneath me and swallow me up, or that I could at least do this:

I often tell myself in these situations that there is nothing I did wrong, nor was there anything I could do at the time, except ignore it so she'd stop.

CSC did come running up to me, crying like she was just told Santa wasn't real, and grabbed onto my leg....so I kind of had to claim her at that point.  As I took my bag, I apologized to the cashier, and quickly walked out of Michael's.

On the way to the car, I told CSC she provided a great deal of birth control for many shoppers that day.  Her response?  To fall asleep in the car like a little bitch angel, and stay that way the whole ride home.

Tuesday Truths

So here are a few things on my mind....

1) I really think that every 5 years after your wedding, you should be allowed to throw yourself a shower and register for new stuff.  I can't stand most of what I have now that I registered for back then, plus, there is always newer and better stuff coming out.

2) I'm tired of people being lazy with basic grammar.  Is it really that hard to remember the difference between "your" and "you're"?

3) I'm really over when people ask me if I know any of the cast of the Jersey Shore when I tell them I'm from Jersey.  Seriously?!

4) For once, I'd like to see a film adaptation of the book actually follow the story from said book.  I'm really curious how the hell the film industry is planning on making Fifty Shades of Grey into a movie *without* it being a porno.

5) I will do laundry and repeatedly re-run the dryer because I've taken so long to get the clothes that they are wrinkled.

6) I'm really convinced some girls don't have friends or family members who love them enough to tell them they look awful in clothes that are too small.  Ladies, why the hell are you leaving the house with clothes on that belong in the junior department when you are CLEARLY not a junior??

7) I'm not ashamed to admit that, even though I'm an English teacher, I have the worst habit of misspelling words and I will sing "Hollaback Girl" to remember how to spell bananas.  Thank you, Gwen Stefani!

8) My "Five" are (in no particular order): Matthew McConaughey, Justin Timberlake, Channing Tatum, Bradley Cooper, and Leonardo DiCaprio

9) I really think some people feel the stick that is to the side of the steering wheel is a cute little accessory to hang shit from.  It's called a blinker.  When you are planning on making a turn, please use it so I don't run into your dumb ass.  Also, when you're done with it, SHUT IT OFF!

10) I'm not above tricking my child into going to bed rather than getting her that drink of water I KNOW she only wanted because it's bed time.  I will go to sleep tonight just fine knowing that I had absolutely no intention of actually going back into her room in 10 minutes to give her the requested drink of water if she still wasn't asleep....also mentioning that she had to be lying down and not crying or whining in order for it to count.  I need to relish this time before she starts calling me out on my bullshit.

This post is part of a series called Tuesday Truths, a Blog Hop hosted by Perfectly Imperfect Mom and The Practically Green Mom. 

NKOTBSB concert recap

So this post has absolutely nothing to do with weight loss, but rather chronicles my attendance at the NKOTBSB concert.  I haven't been to a concert in a couple years and the last one was Bon Jovi - awesome concert, btw - so needless to say I was excited.  Unfortunately, I never saw New Kids in concert in the late '80s/early '90s because, well, I'm not sure, but I'll blame my mother for not taking me.  I'm sure it had to do with the fact that, unlike many parents today, my mother was not about to not only spend money, but also time on something she did not want to do.  As a result, this was my first time seeing NKOTB live.  This minor hiccup does not mean that I wasn't a fan - au contraire.  I had t-shirts, the cassette tapes, bootlegged videos taped on my VCR while watching MTV (you know, back when they played music videos), a giant button, and a HUGE crush on Jordan Knight.  As a matter of fact, I recall a back and forth, if you will, with a girlfriend as to who was going to marry Jordan.  I guess it goes without saying that fantasy never happened. *sigh*

One of the perks of being married to a man who works in radio is the access to free concert tickets. And God love my husband for putting his name down on the list months ago for NKOTBSB tickets.  It was a little touch and go as to if it was actually going to happen since the whole reason stations get tickets is to give them away to listeners, not let employees' wives benefit, but we got the tickets and all was right in the universe.  Now The Husband did warn me that since they were free give-away tickets, not to expect them to be good seats...well the Boy Band Gods were smiling down on us because we got lower level!

So the next issue to worry about when going to a concert is "What the f* do I wear?!"  See, I don't really have any of my "ho clothes" from my clubbin' days, and even if I did, I'm a mom now.  For the love of all things holy, no one - and I mean NO ONE - wants to see a mom body stuffed like a sausage into something that has its main fibers as spandex and sequins.  So my choices were limited.  My first option was my go-to comfortable v-neck t-shirt, jeans, and flip flops.  Then the following conversation happened:

The Husband: You look nice, honey.

Me: I look like a mom going to a concert.

TH: That's what you are.

Me: Fuck

Time to change....I go into the recesses of my closet to find something, anything, that resembles appropriate "going to the bars to get my swerve on" options.  I find something, squish my boobs into it, and suddenly feel slightly better. As I'm walking out the door, I ask The Husband if I still look like a "mom going to a concert".  He tells me I look like a hot, 30-something, single chick looking to get laid.  Perfect.  I scoot out the door before I can finish hearing TH say something to the effect of: "But, I'll be here if you want to fulfill that last part when you get home...!"

My daughter wanted to come.

Time to roll out.  I go pick up the BFF - who also had the same "what the eff do I wear to a boy band concert so I don't look like an asshole?!" problem I had. Thank God for friends.  On the way, we have the obligatory "what sorts of [insert choice here] do you think we'll see at the concert" banter in the car.  After paying to park and scoring a pretty decent spot, we notice so many oddities, there are not enough words in the English language to describe.  We immediately realize we have been tagged by the local radio stations as old since the "easy listening" station vehicle is parked front and center as we arrive.  Throwing a bone at the concert goers more interested in seeing Backstreet is the top 40 station vehicle.  I will pretend they are targeting me.

Then comes the visual "eye candy" in droves.  There are so many women wearing NKOTBSB shirts that someone needs to resend the "don't be that guy at the concert" memo.  We saw outfits spanning the homemade puffy paint shirt variety to the "we're headin to da club right after the show" outfit to the "I'm a mom and will wear something comfortable and practical damnit" to the outfits that made you wonder if these girls had friends to let them know they should never leave the house looking like they do. Oh, and let's not forget the bitches who busted out the over-sized New Kids pins they have been saving for 20+ years for just such an occasion.

We got a good glimpse of what we could expect to see should we decide we needed to use the bathroom.  Women lined up just to get in the coliseum.  WHAT!  Really?  Is this necessary?  At any rate, BFF and I decide to begin our critiques of the crowd acknowledging all the preggos, newly 20-somethings, unfortunate 40-somethings, and the like as we wait.  It's at this point BFF says we should have made "MILF" shirts. Damnit!  That would have been awesome!

First things first, find the seats.  Not only are we on the aisle, but we have a great view of the stage.  Thanks TH!

Me and the BFF in our awesome seats

Drinks before Boy Bands!

The second most important thing after you find your seats (and after you've gone to the bathroom - hey, we're wearing spanx damnit and they squeeze the bladder!) is to find the bar.  The nice bartender cards me.  I want to tongue kiss him.  We get our wine - we ARE moms after all - and set up camp at one of the bar tables.  This is when the real fun begins: we see acid washed jeans, we see neon, we see Members Only jackets, we see side ponytails.  BFF says we should have made scavenger hunt lists of what one would see at an NKOTBSB concert. Damnit!  That would have been awesome!

We sit through the opening acts - Midnight Red??  Who the hell are you? Other than jail bait - and Matthew Morrison aka Mr. Schuester from Glee.  He was good....only when he sang covers.  When he busted out his original songs, not that they weren't good, but when you're known for what you sing on a show, that's what should be coming out of your mouth.

Finally, the lights go out and the moment every pre-menopausal woman paid good money for - the boys were coming on

At this moment, there wasn't a dry pair of panties in the house.

I hate to admit that I probably should have refreshed the old memory as to the lyrics of the songs, but I sang what I remembered.  And pretty much everyone flipped out when NKOTB did "Right Stuff" and actually did the same dance moves from the video.  Granted, if you look at the old videos compared to what they did at the show, there is definitely not as much swing.  But don't worry, ladies.  Just when you were starting to question "Oh no!  Have they lost it???"  Time to lose some clothing.

 

Yum

The rest of the show was awesome and both boy bands did a great job making every woman in there feel like she was the age she was when she first heard the songs.  So much so that on 2 separate occasions, bras were thrown on stage.  Granted they were ultra comfy looking and practical white and beige bras, but come on, those ladies were trying.  Just imagine how their ta-tas must have felt the rest of the concert unprotected from the "mom dancing" that was happening.  The sacrifices some make for the hopes of a post-concert sexcapade that ends in an illegitimate child requiring the famous, boy band, baby daddy to pay up.

So, as with everything, all good things must come to an end and the boys did an encore consisting of "Hangin' Tough" and "Backstreets Back".  As I mentioned earlier, it had been a while since I had gone to a concert and I forgot 2 very important things:
1) You are absolutely deaf.
2) Trying to beat the crowds is like trying to fight fat people at Golden Corral.

Once again, the gods are smiling down to provide BFF and me with amazing visuals to fuel the flames of our cattiness.  The best was an extremely drunk bride-to-be being led out, barefoot, by her girlfriends.  The aim of this game is to make sure you are not near said drunk bride when she decides the room is spinning just a bit too much and hurls her cosmos on the floor.

Heading home, BFF and I do the usual recap of the show: "Was it just me or did Jonathan Knight look like he was woken up just in time to start the show?"  "That 9 yr-old BSB pulled up on stage to serenade SO didn't appreciate that.  Bitch wasn't even born when they were first popular!" "Did you see the gays across the aisle wearing the Katy Perry shirts?"  etc.  I swear, we need a reality show.  Overall, the concert and evening was a blast and I really hope NKOTBSB continue to ride out their new 15 minutes of fame because BFF and I will so be there at the next concert dressed in our "MILF" shirts, scavenger hunts in hand, and fully charged camera batteries.  Because damn, it was awesome!

So flying can suck

So we were supposed to fly out today this morning to NJ to see my family.  I have been looking forward to going home for some time and I felt I was totally prepared for this flight.  CARES system for keeping CSC in her seat - check; Lollypops for take off - check; Snack and juice cup - check; Crayola color wonder markers - check; Cell phone, iPad, and appropriate chargers - check; More clothes than I'll wear all summer for both myself and CSC - double check; Sanity - still looking.  

Because I always panic and am convinced I will forget something, I was up until about 2am.  I felt I was as prepared for this flight as I could possibly be.  I had prepped CSC about getting excited for flying. I was good to go....literally.  So we just park the car and are getting out when I get a call from my dad.  

"Hey Aim, the flight is cancelled"

"Huh?"

"The flight is cancelled and you need to go inside and ask them to put you on the 1:30 flight or the 6:20."

Great.

We go inside, The Husband takes CSC to walk around while I wait in line to talk to an airline rep.  Bad news is she and I are not on the 1:30 flight.  Good news - we are already booked on the 6:20 flight.  Ok, we can go home and relax a little bit until we have to go back.

What I'd like to know is when did flying become such a pain in the ass?  I have flown a great deal in my life and it never used to be this dreadful.  It's gotten to the point where you try to figure out how to get to your final destination without flying....like if I drive three hours to the train station there, I can take a train and then hitchhike to get where I'm going. I'm going to blame it on 9/11.